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Insanely Inane Thoughts

If fate doesn't make you laugh, you just don't get the joke.

Synapse

It was on a rainy day, twenty years ago, that I made my way into this world.I was then as you are now :Carefree and blissfully unaware.

That day was the happiest day of my life.

Making way into the bitter cold world triggered of some events that have made my life, errr, a little uncomfortable.And since you,my dear friend, seem to be on the verge of the same blunder, I thought I might advise you a little before you think of your next course of action.

Coming out from the relative comforts of the womb into the butt-numbingly cold OT stunned the bejesus out of me.I was at a loss of words.I had hardly come to terms with my surroundings that all of a sudden I felt a stinging sensation spreading all over my backside.Apparently,.such was my shock that the doctor, who I sill think had a tendency towards aberrant sexual behavior, picked me up and started to spank my buttocks.With unabashed glee.And this unleashed a monster in me which still consumes me from the inside.

I was provoked to think.

And I specifically recall that my first thoughts were :How the fuck do I get this asshole of my back?Then I thought of such a plan that even the devious Stewie would have been proud of it.

I started to gurgle a bit.The doctor stopped at the noise and looked at me lovingly (This plain creeped me out.Afterall, if he was into aberrant sexual acts then I might be in some trouble).But such was my confidence in my plan that I looked back at him, inspite of the fact that all i could see from the pathetic slit of an eye I had then was hair.Lots of them.Ahhh, now things will get interesting.I eyed him like a python would eye a rat.Well, a sutured python at anycase.

I gurgled a little more, and to add to the cuteness factor, I flashed him the best toothless smile a red ball of flesh could.I think I saw him smile back and come towards me.

Aha, thought I.As he came closer, I lay still.He came closer still, smiling like a simpleton.When he was really close to my face( his breath could have been used to help Army recruits get used to obnoxious fumes), I reached out my little hand and grabbed at his nose hair.He yelped like a dog but I clung on resolutely.I tugged him closer(I was the Incredible Hulk for a few seconds) and then purged to my hearts content.

The I fell asleep conveniently.For a few years, I consiously thought of not thinking.It seemed to work for awhile but soon my imaginary friend got tired of my thinking and left me.

A few years thence, I relapsed.

It stared out rather innocously.I was out drinking with a few friends of mine and to escape from the sheer monotomy of vulgar jokes, I started thinking.It's a one-off thing, I told myself rather unconvincing.

Just like a dopie who screams out deleriously when on drugs, I begin to go into a tizzy at the mere prospect of thinking.Anyways, one thing led to another and soon it started getting out of hand.I started to think even when I was alone.This happened while I was in the loo not giving a shit.This scared the hell out of me because the process of shitting soon got engulfed in the shimmer of pseudointellectual activies.

As I had feared, thinking become primary to my nature.And this seriously hampered me in my studies.Studying and thinking can never go hand in hand.They tell you stuff and you just accept it.Or atleast that's what the average Joe used to do.But now, I started thinking about what I was studying.

Then I stopped talking to my friends.I avoided them like the Europeans avoided bubonic plague.That's because I was on firstname basis with Kafka,Rushie,Elliot and Wordsworth.Then I was seduced by the women.Austen,Woolf and Roy replaced shelves replete with Penthouse,Hustler and Playboy.

But I did have some real friends too.Like my girlfriend.Well, I had her till the day I stopped her midway through her blowjob to ask her "What is the meaning of life?"

I think she made me half jewish that day.

Through such times of adventure, my folks kept me company.One day, while I was in the midst of changing into my night clothes, they told me that they had been doing a little thinking of their own and told me, in no uncertain terms, that they wanted my sorry-ass out of their house.Pronto.I thought they were joking and started laughing.

I wasn't laughing when the police picked me up for mooning stray dogs in my underwear.

(Concluding part being thought of....)
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