Making it in Mumbai City
For the uneducated; Mumbai is a city on the west coast of India.It's one of the best and also one of the worst.This write-up is to help tourists make a well-rounded opinion about this beautiful city.
The fact that this write-up has been outsourced to Illinois has no bearing on the points being made henceforth.
Stop outsourcing to India.
It's a wonderful place; really!
Getting here
There are three ways to make it to Mumbai: Land, air and sea.
Land- Don't use the land route; you will be mugged or fleeced or kidnapped or killed; in no specific order.
Sea - Don't use the sea route; you will be mugged or fleeced or kidnapped or killed; again, in no specific order.
Air - One of the more safer options; you won't be mugged or fleeced or kidnapped, the only danger being a plane crash or a hijack.
If your plane crashes and you manage to survive the crash; check where you are.If you are on land or in sea; you might be in for a little bit of mugging, fleecing, kidnapping or murder.
There is a way out of this; don't come to Mumbai.
Inspite of these warning, if you decide to come to Mumbai; welcome to hell; ermm, Mumbai
Housing
Don't worry about housing.If you have loads of money and are still alive to spend it; lavish yourself by renting out a flat in South Mumbai or by checking into one of the hep hotels.
On the other hand; if you have no money and are also still alive to talk about it; don't worry about housing.Just find a nice spot outside posh apartments or hep hotels in South Mumbai and make yourself comfortable.The unwritten rule about land in Mumbai is: if people aren't living on it; live on it.
You can find out more about hotels in Mumbai by clicking on the ads; ads are meant to be clicked (yes, I really need the money)
Perfecting Mumbai attitude
Bitch about everything but do nothing about it.
If you live in one of the posh apartments in Mumbai and find some bum living on the sidewalk outside your apartment; bitch about it.
If you are one of the bums living on a sidewalk close to a posh apartment in Mumbai; bitch about it.
If you live neither in a posh aprtment or on the sidewalk but are one of the millions who just about scrape through for a daily living; bitch about the both of them.
If you join any political parties in Mumbai; bitch about the bum with the posh guy and bitch about the posh guy with the street bum.Convince them that you will take care of the other, ask for a donation and once you get the money, forget about the two of them until you are up for re-election.While in office, lick up to the just-about-scraping-by guy and bitch to him about how the posh guy and the street bum have made their issues a non-issue.Ask for a donation and once the money comes through, forget about him until you are up for re-election.
Public Amenities
If you get water, be happy about it.
If you get food, be happy about it.
If you get both water and food, be doubly happy about it.
If you get neither; beg,borrow and steal.
If you feel like taking a leak and can find no public restrooms nearby, fear not.Another unwritten rule about land in Mumbai is: If people aren't living on it, pee on it.
If you spot a policeman approaching you, don't worry.Chances are that he too is coming there to take a leak.
Places to crap:
Home bathroom; public restroom; by the railway track; by the roadside; again in no specific order.
Places to chuck garbage:
Home dustbin, public bins, by the railway track; by the roadside; it's your call.
Personal Safety
Mumbai is a relatively safe place; if you carry a knife, a chopper, a gun or all three.If you have never felt the urge to use either of the three, you are probably dead.
The police are very efficient; they outdo the criminals in every aspect.
If you are a chick, you might be subjected to some perverse stares, cat-calling and the occasional groping.Now would be the time to use the kinfe,the chopper and/or the gun.You could knife the bastard, chop of his balls and gun down his weenie.
If you are a dude, you might be subjected to some knifing, ball-chopping and weenie blasting.You might also be groped before being subjected to either of the three.
If you are a eunuch, you have already been knifed,ball chopped and weenie blasted.
The fact that this write-up has been outsourced to Illinois has no bearing on the points being made henceforth.
Stop outsourcing to India.
It's a wonderful place; really!
Getting here
There are three ways to make it to Mumbai: Land, air and sea.
Land- Don't use the land route; you will be mugged or fleeced or kidnapped or killed; in no specific order.
Sea - Don't use the sea route; you will be mugged or fleeced or kidnapped or killed; again, in no specific order.
Air - One of the more safer options; you won't be mugged or fleeced or kidnapped, the only danger being a plane crash or a hijack.
If your plane crashes and you manage to survive the crash; check where you are.If you are on land or in sea; you might be in for a little bit of mugging, fleecing, kidnapping or murder.
There is a way out of this; don't come to Mumbai.
Inspite of these warning, if you decide to come to Mumbai; welcome to hell; ermm, Mumbai
Housing
Don't worry about housing.If you have loads of money and are still alive to spend it; lavish yourself by renting out a flat in South Mumbai or by checking into one of the hep hotels.
On the other hand; if you have no money and are also still alive to talk about it; don't worry about housing.Just find a nice spot outside posh apartments or hep hotels in South Mumbai and make yourself comfortable.The unwritten rule about land in Mumbai is: if people aren't living on it; live on it.
You can find out more about hotels in Mumbai by clicking on the ads; ads are meant to be clicked (yes, I really need the money)
Perfecting Mumbai attitude
Bitch about everything but do nothing about it.
If you live in one of the posh apartments in Mumbai and find some bum living on the sidewalk outside your apartment; bitch about it.
If you are one of the bums living on a sidewalk close to a posh apartment in Mumbai; bitch about it.
If you live neither in a posh aprtment or on the sidewalk but are one of the millions who just about scrape through for a daily living; bitch about the both of them.
If you join any political parties in Mumbai; bitch about the bum with the posh guy and bitch about the posh guy with the street bum.Convince them that you will take care of the other, ask for a donation and once you get the money, forget about the two of them until you are up for re-election.While in office, lick up to the just-about-scraping-by guy and bitch to him about how the posh guy and the street bum have made their issues a non-issue.Ask for a donation and once the money comes through, forget about him until you are up for re-election.
Public Amenities
If you get water, be happy about it.
If you get food, be happy about it.
If you get both water and food, be doubly happy about it.
If you get neither; beg,borrow and steal.
If you feel like taking a leak and can find no public restrooms nearby, fear not.Another unwritten rule about land in Mumbai is: If people aren't living on it, pee on it.
If you spot a policeman approaching you, don't worry.Chances are that he too is coming there to take a leak.
Places to crap:
Home bathroom; public restroom; by the railway track; by the roadside; again in no specific order.
Places to chuck garbage:
Home dustbin, public bins, by the railway track; by the roadside; it's your call.
Personal Safety
Mumbai is a relatively safe place; if you carry a knife, a chopper, a gun or all three.If you have never felt the urge to use either of the three, you are probably dead.
The police are very efficient; they outdo the criminals in every aspect.
If you are a chick, you might be subjected to some perverse stares, cat-calling and the occasional groping.Now would be the time to use the kinfe,the chopper and/or the gun.You could knife the bastard, chop of his balls and gun down his weenie.
If you are a dude, you might be subjected to some knifing, ball-chopping and weenie blasting.You might also be groped before being subjected to either of the three.
If you are a eunuch, you have already been knifed,ball chopped and weenie blasted.
This entry was posted
on Tuesday, April 26, 2005 at 12:41 PM.
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