Understanding cinema
Soft, mellifulous music fills up your ear as you let your guard down temporarily.Just as you are about to nod off, a damnsel jiggles her booty onscreen.Your interest is piqued but immediately destroyed as the song tortures you with lyrics written to entertain hyenas; she peels off her clothes like you would to orange for your breakfast; with absolute disinterest.
The damnsel gyrates around the, by now, brain-dead hero who has an expression befitting a cretin.As she prances about in her bare essentials, all you can wonder is if the documentary "Super size me" inspired her to put such an awful load on her chest.This is the last thought that enters your brain for 15 years as the movie gives a new meaning to brain drain.
This song/scene, in essence, portrays the wonderful dump that is Bollywood's B-grade movies.
The aforementioned scene is supposedly seductive; for me and countless others, it is as seductive as King Kong being given a blowjob by Godzilla.
And that's putting it mildly.
However, these filmmakers have hit upon certain tricks to lure in unsuspecting cinegoers.A day after the horror has been unleashed, they put out ads stating that their misery is "Running Successfully".There is some truth in these words and I shall educate you in why these lunatics are partially correct.
The very day that the movie releases, many enthusiatic moviegoers hit the theatres.However when none of the audience members come out after the stipulated three hours, or even before, authorites get suspicious and enter the theatre.They discover that the innocent audience, in their haste to escape the ordeal, have hanged themselves from the nearest curtain rod.
The city, getting a whiff of this new age concentration camp, sets up a vigilante group.The filmmakers are now on the run and for everyday they evade these people, the ad comes out screaming "Running Successfully".
Another trick the filmmakers employ is letting the word out that their movie is "Superhit".Again, using their twisted logic, it all makes sense.
The distributors who sign up with the filmmakers, effectly giving their business the death kiss, are knee deep in losses.Their finances have taken a hit, you could call it a "Superhit".Infact, they are being forced to foot the bill for admitting many cinegoers into an institution.Since it was their movie that has plunged the distributors in an asscrack so deep that they are full of shit, the filmmakers are calling their movie a "Superhit".
Now, there are certain scenes which we see everyday in these Bollywood movies that requires attention.Infact, as you might be aware, there are other film industries in India which go by the names of Tollywood,Mollywood etc.There are also rumors doing rounds that there is going to be a Plywood pretty soon.They too have certain scenes which, if shown to eight year olds, would wire their physics wrong.
One of the more famous B-film actor is Mithun Chakravarthy.In one of the films, he has a brain tumor, which according to the best of the doctors in town, can't be cured making his death imminent.In one of the fight scenes, he is shot in the head.To everybody's suprise, the bullet passes through his ears taking away his tumor with it.
Long live Mithun.
In another one of his movies, he is confronted with two badass villians.They are both giving their usual badass laughter and then Mithun whips out his revolver.However, much to his consternation, he discovers that he has only one bullet left in his gun.So here's what he does:
He pulls out a knife, holds it up against the barrel and shoots.The bullet gets sliced by the knife and then goes at right angles to the direction it was fired in and kills the two badasses.
And you thought Clint Eastwood was the man.
And how can one ever forget Rajnikanth, the evergreen blasphemer of Physics, Biology, Chemistry and any other discipline which ends with a -try.
In the climax of this movie, Rajnikanth is chasing down a villian who is on the other side of a really, really big wall.So what our Rajni does is:
He throws up a knife which goes high enough to show him the villian's location and then he whips out his gun and fires it at the knife.The bullet then deflects off the knife and before you can say Physics, the much detested villian is dead.
Another trademark Rajnikanth move is the lighting up of his smoke.Just before he is ready to kickass, he throws up his smoke and proceeds to beat up the baddies while his smoke orbits the Moon 743 times before returning to Earth and perching itself between our hero's lips.And suprise, surprise; the smoke is lit.It must have been the friction.
Thankfully, these stunts are rather redundant now.
But the directors making such movies are not.So don't be surprised if there is a follow-up to this article because one can never run out of people to make fun of.
The damnsel gyrates around the, by now, brain-dead hero who has an expression befitting a cretin.As she prances about in her bare essentials, all you can wonder is if the documentary "Super size me" inspired her to put such an awful load on her chest.This is the last thought that enters your brain for 15 years as the movie gives a new meaning to brain drain.
This song/scene, in essence, portrays the wonderful dump that is Bollywood's B-grade movies.
The aforementioned scene is supposedly seductive; for me and countless others, it is as seductive as King Kong being given a blowjob by Godzilla.
And that's putting it mildly.
However, these filmmakers have hit upon certain tricks to lure in unsuspecting cinegoers.A day after the horror has been unleashed, they put out ads stating that their misery is "Running Successfully".There is some truth in these words and I shall educate you in why these lunatics are partially correct.
The very day that the movie releases, many enthusiatic moviegoers hit the theatres.However when none of the audience members come out after the stipulated three hours, or even before, authorites get suspicious and enter the theatre.They discover that the innocent audience, in their haste to escape the ordeal, have hanged themselves from the nearest curtain rod.
The city, getting a whiff of this new age concentration camp, sets up a vigilante group.The filmmakers are now on the run and for everyday they evade these people, the ad comes out screaming "Running Successfully".
Another trick the filmmakers employ is letting the word out that their movie is "Superhit".Again, using their twisted logic, it all makes sense.
The distributors who sign up with the filmmakers, effectly giving their business the death kiss, are knee deep in losses.Their finances have taken a hit, you could call it a "Superhit".Infact, they are being forced to foot the bill for admitting many cinegoers into an institution.Since it was their movie that has plunged the distributors in an asscrack so deep that they are full of shit, the filmmakers are calling their movie a "Superhit".
Now, there are certain scenes which we see everyday in these Bollywood movies that requires attention.Infact, as you might be aware, there are other film industries in India which go by the names of Tollywood,Mollywood etc.There are also rumors doing rounds that there is going to be a Plywood pretty soon.They too have certain scenes which, if shown to eight year olds, would wire their physics wrong.
One of the more famous B-film actor is Mithun Chakravarthy.In one of the films, he has a brain tumor, which according to the best of the doctors in town, can't be cured making his death imminent.In one of the fight scenes, he is shot in the head.To everybody's suprise, the bullet passes through his ears taking away his tumor with it.
Long live Mithun.
In another one of his movies, he is confronted with two badass villians.They are both giving their usual badass laughter and then Mithun whips out his revolver.However, much to his consternation, he discovers that he has only one bullet left in his gun.So here's what he does:
He pulls out a knife, holds it up against the barrel and shoots.The bullet gets sliced by the knife and then goes at right angles to the direction it was fired in and kills the two badasses.
And you thought Clint Eastwood was the man.
And how can one ever forget Rajnikanth, the evergreen blasphemer of Physics, Biology, Chemistry and any other discipline which ends with a -try.
In the climax of this movie, Rajnikanth is chasing down a villian who is on the other side of a really, really big wall.So what our Rajni does is:
He throws up a knife which goes high enough to show him the villian's location and then he whips out his gun and fires it at the knife.The bullet then deflects off the knife and before you can say Physics, the much detested villian is dead.
Another trademark Rajnikanth move is the lighting up of his smoke.Just before he is ready to kickass, he throws up his smoke and proceeds to beat up the baddies while his smoke orbits the Moon 743 times before returning to Earth and perching itself between our hero's lips.And suprise, surprise; the smoke is lit.It must have been the friction.
Thankfully, these stunts are rather redundant now.
But the directors making such movies are not.So don't be surprised if there is a follow-up to this article because one can never run out of people to make fun of.
This entry was posted
on Thursday, March 10, 2005 at 10:42 PM.
|
