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Insanely Inane Thoughts

If fate doesn't make you laugh, you just don't get the joke.

The screw

The evening breeze wrapped itself around my face as me and my friends wandered around in Colaba.

Colaba is what many call downtown Bombay; Bombaywallahs simply call it as "town".To be more honest, it's the snobbish town folks who refer to it as "town"; for the others, it's still Colaba.But, it's the only part of the city which has had some planning; sidewalks exist, roads are consistently motorable and there are actual open spaces in the form of the maidans.That half of Bombay descends onto these maidans like Bush does on Iraq is another thing.

So there we were, me and my two friends killing time judiciously.This part of Colaba (Causeway) is very famous for the bargain stores.Actually, these stores are more of a makeshift arrangement on the pavement but calling them bargain stores is much more fashionable.These haunts sell anything from cameras to lighters to watches to jeweleries.The price these people quote is always negotiable; but even when settling on a relatively lower price than what you had started off from, you have a stinking suspicion that you've been had.

These shops are quite symbolic of Bombay; they co-exist with stores of repute like Westside, Mark and Spencers,McDonalds right next to them.But, I digress....

One of my two friends has a very peculiar bent of mind; he is quite myopic but still refuses to don glasses or contact lenses.So, even if Pamela Anderson parades buck naked 10 feet infront of him carrying a placard which shouts out "I'm buck naked and yours for the taking" ; he would be sweetly oblivious of what he was missing out on.To make up for this disability, he squints and squints so much that one cannot discount the possibility of a chinese lineage.

A lot of people mistake his squint as an indication of a full bladder and/or constipation.

To drive home my point on how debilitating this refusal of undertaking corrective measures is for him, I shall cite an incident that jumps to my mind.

A few days back, some friends of mine and me were, well, killing time again.Walking across the street are these incredibly hot chicks.A surge of testosterone seared through our bodies as we took in the sight; some were subtle enough but others; including the squinter; were ogling, to put it mildly.We knew one of the girls so we waved out to her from across the street and the girl waved back.The squinter looks at her and then looks at us and says, "Boys, she is quite hawt; how do you know her?" I look at him with a straight face and say, "Macha, she is your sister"

Now, coming to my other companion for the evening.He is the kind of friend who would help you at the drop of the hat but can't because he needs to help himself at the drop of the hat.His bowel movements, are at best, questionable and it seems that every known strain of organism which can cause food poisoning have caused food poisoning to my dear friend at some point in the past.

Besides food poisoning and bouts of chemical warfare ala gas, he is also somone who flaunts his plaque-ridden pearly whites at us at every possible moment.He also has a very repugnant habit of talking while his mouth is full.Some days, we end up with half his food on us while he rattles on about his life.I have heard of rumors that Keanu Reeves used my friend as his trainer for the gruelling scenes in the Matrix trilogy.

He still didn't get the hint.

Anyways, now that you have been privy to facts which you didn't want to know in the first place, I shall get back to my post.

Strolling around Colaba, we stopped in front of a shop which housed various pirated CD's.While me and squinty busied ourselves with the music section, Mr.Spray-it-all was giving furtive looks to the shopkeeper.The shopkeeper returned his look with a beatific smile; akin to the smile one flashes at a sacrificial goat.My friend, a little confident, walks up to the store owner and the following conversation ensued:

"Errr... do you have any interactive CD's?"(Spray, fucker, spray)
"Yes, yes, sir.Many CD's; all interactive; you want action game; try Halo,sir... it is very good"(Backs off a little; early monsoon?)
"Hmm... yes, yes... but I wanted to know if you have any..you know... those kind of interactive games"
"Yes, yes; we have these kind of interactive games and those kind of interactive games also.Tell me the name, sir"
"Hmm.. I don't know any names but you know,..err.. in these games the clothes come off as the game... err.. goes on"

The owner is rather alarmed at this stage and he backs off even more, thinking rightly that he has got a salivating pervert on his hands.

"No,no sir.... I don't have any games in which you have to take your clothes off to play"
"No,no... you didn't get...errrr... my point.I want.... Rohit, help me out naa?"

His.worst.mistake.ever.

I sauntered over towards my friend and asked him what he need help with.His whispered out something and I smiled, knowingly.
Squinty, by now, was staring wide-eyed at the various adult-themed CD's displayed brazenly at the shop

"Uncle, my friend... he is a very simple guy.He feels very shy to say it out loud that he wants a dirty CD from you"
"What the fuck" (Spray-it-all) (Squinty is down with laugther while being up with something else at the same time)
"Sir, what is this dirty CD?"
"We call it porn"
"Ohhh....pron.... arre baba, you should have said it before naa?" (looking at Spray-it-all)
"No, no...ermmm..."(Slightly cowed)
"Lot of pron I have" (stop saying pron; it's porn)
" I told you na, he is very shy; show him the CD's"(Rubbing in the salt)
"You want foreign sex or home sex?"(Foreign sex?Home sex?)
"No,no Uncle.... I guess what he wants it normal CD; not anything extraordinary like animal or anything.Right, xxxx?"
*Dark look; if looks could kill, his humiliation may not have been this complete*
"Chee,chee.... we have no animal sex, sir.Only home sex or english sex."(Repulsed)
*ohhh, home sex means local and foreign means, well, foreign*
"Your friend is not happy?He is leaving.... for him, I give him hard bargain; two CD's for the price of one"
"I'll ask him.... dude,wait up..."(Squinty was mocking my friend all the way as he ran off the street and was nearly run over by a car)

Ever since that day, Spray-it-all has never asked me to help him out again with anything that has to do with, ermm, as he put it so eloquently, interactive games.

So folks, this is how I screw my friends.I humiliate them in public and then further their humiliation in the print medium.

How I screw my female friends is another proposition altogether....
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