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Insanely Inane Thoughts

If fate doesn't make you laugh, you just don't get the joke.

Making it in Mumbai City - II

Before going on to part deux, check out part I, of which this is a continuation:

Making it in Mumbai City - I

Getting Around

Moving about Mumbai is quite simple.You can ride on the train, the bus, the cabs and the rickshaws; ensure that you don't get taken for a ride when on a cab or a rickshaw.When in the suburbs, the rickshaws can be the vehicle of choice for tourists.Travelling to areas within downtown Mumbai is usually done by cabs.

Another aspect to deal with while travelling is the honking.In Mumbai, it is impolite not to honk.If a fellow cabbie honks, your cabbie must reply with a honk of his own.If he doesn't, it is as symbolic as the middle finger.Also if one cabbie honks, he usually gets all the vehicles around him to honk.Sometimes even cyclists, who have no honks, honk on their kerchiefs/hankies.We horn to express joy, resentment, frustration, romance and bare lust, or, just to mobilize a dozing cow in the middle of the road.

If you are planning to go downtown from the suburbs, you can take the train.The railways can be quite discriminatory; get a physical done before travelling by the train.Only if you have been branded as Hulk Hogan or Batista should you think of taking the train during peak hours.You need all the muscle just to stay in the train; relax for a moment and you might end up as another statistic related to death via train travel.There is a positive in all of this; you have no need to join any gyms when in the city; a train ride more than makes up for your gym sessions.

For information on bus travel, read the above paragraph and substitute "train" for "bus".

Also, due to such close proximity to a species known as Man, whom women also like to refer as pigs, it would be wise to read up on personal safety before embarking upon any journey.

Now that we have talked about trains, bus, cabs and rickshaws; let us dwell on the roads on which these vehicles ply on.To put it simply; they simply don't exist.If they do, the municipal corporation does its best to dig it up under the guise of furthering the infrastructure of our great city.

Sidewalks exist but pedestrians hardly use it because of Mumbai's unwritten land rule.

Speaking the language

Officially, Mumbai speaks Marathi which is the local language.However, she also speaks English,Hindi and an assortment of other languages.

Apart from English, you would need to know some words of Hindi.Words like "Shukriya" which means thank you and "Nahin" whichs means no(to keep away the pesky touts).Just a few spattering of local words will floor the locals who are suckers for people who seem to know their language.It doesn't happen abroad when they speak English and the locals over there end up fawning over their apparent mastery of linguistic skills; it happens only in India!

You could also learn a few curse words; use them judiciously.Learning curse words can be a breeze provided to travel in the right cab or rickshaw 'cause they use it like water.I could teach you guys some curse words but it takes away the sheen of learning the enunciation of each word.You can also use it on your friends when you are really pissed or just want to make a mickie out of them.

Friend: "blah blah blah...." (really pissing you off)
You: "You are such a *insert curse word*, friend"
Friend: "Hey, what does that mean?!?"
You: "It means that you are a good friend"
Friend: *beams ignorantly*

Eating out

Food is not a problem in Mumbai; right from pretentious international cuisine to lip-smacking roadside delicacies, they come in no flavor to all flavor over here.

Food isn't expensive as long as you eat at the right places.Some of the more frequented eateries lie in South Mumbai; right from Geoffrey's to Pizzeria to McDonalds to Leopolds to Udipi to Mondegar.You just need to look out for Gastroenteritis, diarrhea and maybe typhoid while gorging yourself silly with the yummy food.

Nightlife

Mumbai has an extremely vibrant nightlife; here are a few illustrations to drive home the point:



Oops, not this.



Nope, not this either.Let's try again.



Yeah, that's more like it.

Wildlife

Principal creatures: Dogs

Mumbai has a lot of these.Infact you may even begin to think that the city's chief inhabitant is the dog and humans are just their pets.The municipal corporation had started putting these dogs on sedatives so that they could be put to sleep but some people got very offended because people in Mumbai hardly sleep and it's just fair that the animals don't either.Since the dogs were left awake; they started screwing like dogs and before we knew it; we had a lot of them.Some people believe that there is a secret movement of dogs seeking to control the city.That's why they keep saying that the city is going to the dogs.

Medical tourism

Another concept which is picking up rather quickly.Mumbai offers to you medical facilities at half the rates at which they are charged in your city.Here is a snapshot of what Mumbai hospitals can do for you:



and yes, at half the rates!


Sights

Many come to Mumbai to see the Gateway of India; it's not really worth it.What is worth your visit to Mumbai is this:



Yup, now that you have seen the holy cow, your knowledge of Mumbai city is complete.

Armed with these tips, you can now lead a stressfree life in Mumbai!
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