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Insanely Inane Thoughts

If fate doesn't make you laugh, you just don't get the joke.

An Oldie

Friday, January 20, 2006
Inanimate Life

The plate devoured the muffins at the same time the coffee machine jumped on the server.

“Writing can be terrible sometimes,” the diner said. “Having no ideas to fall back on is the bane of a writer.” The tea-cup was munching on his daily newspaper while he stared at the street outside.

“There needs to be that spark which will ignite the author’s mind,” he continued. The ceiling lights fell on the diners beneath before bursting into flames. People ran helter-skelter as the menu cards swapped their behinds and pens forced themselves into their nose.

“My last book was a disaster. A critic said that his dog died after he read a page of my book to his dog. He deserved to die. Who reads out to their dogs? Another claimed that I wouldn’t know imagination if it bit me on my crotch,” he murmured, swatting at the breadcrumbs drilling into his ears.

His eyes widened slightly, as the eyewear plunged into his whites, before falling into nothingness. The table humped against his leg, each leg taking turns and knocking the air out of him. Circuit cameras flew in the café, snapping up images of people trapped inside the water cooler.

The diner hobbled towards the restroom; the table bounced over people, following him. His shirt was eating into the skin and his pants were doing what the critic said imagination would. The bathroom door smashed against his skull before hopping off towards the street, where buildings were evicting residents forcefully. Streetlights were swinging themselves against trees, which had its roots around the streetlights.

He jumped into a stall and sat on the commode.

“What’s the use of writing if people don’t give shit about it?” he asked, the toilet bowl accommodating him slowly.

“I need tho fawwl bakk oon exprinces,” his mouth sputtered, as it was making its way through the drain. Soon, his mangled body was thrown into a treatment facility where distillation units had a feast.

L'affaire

Sunday, January 15, 2006
Every morn I wake
and in her
I scent
you:

hazel eyes,
for we didn't
meet to
trade names
in the car
I'd driven in
circles, at Skin
Avenue, before
I drove, in circles,
through you;

and I think
to myself
that, from now on,
I should take
the bus back
home.

2005 - A Year in Review Part I

Sunday, January 01, 2006
Floods hit major cities of India. Bombay receives over 900 mm of rain in a single day. Politicians, in an unprecedented act, start using the word ‘unprecedented’. Chennai bears the brunt of major cyclones and in a major act of charity; Chief Minister Jayalalitha donates most of her wardrobe and is able to clothe women of Tamil Nadu single-handedly.

Hurricane Katrina strikes the U.S of A. President Bush is enraged after he learns of the fact that he cannot go to war with the Atlantic Ocean. He later goes on air with the now infamous quote: ‘Brownie, you’re doing a heck of a job.” Brown (Michael) later receives a call from the President who requests for an autographed copy of ‘The Da Vinci Code’.

An Earthquake of high intensity hits Jammu and Kashmir. Separatist leaders now believe that Mother Nature is now a willing member of the freedom struggle.

Mulayam Singh and Amar Singh allege that Sonia Gandhi is the mastermind behind the whole phone-tapping incident. They are afraid that their secret fantasies involving Mayawati and Amitabh Bachchan would be made public. In an unrelated incident, Amitabh Bachchan has to be hospitalized after he listens to a tape sent to him anonymously.

Arindam Chaudhuri’s IIPM makes the news for all the wrong reasons. The claims made in the advertisements of IIPM are proven to be false by an article in JAM magazine and then by many Indian bloggers. He is also ridiculed for his hair and his face. Incensed, he sends out ‘e-notarized’ lawsuits to the bloggers. Gaurav Sabnis, one of the first recipients of the same, is forced to quit his job from IBM as students of IIPM threaten to burn IBM laptops. IIPM then uses the punch line ‘Dare to dream beyond IBM’ and makes Arindam Chaudhuri’s books compulsory reading for their students. It is later learnt that IIPM students burnt Chaudhuri’s books.

Abu Salem and his wife, Monica Bedi, are extradited to India. It is learnt that when all seemed lost in Portugal, the CBI hit upon the masterstroke of showing the Portuguese officials all of Monica Bedi’s movies. She was extradited along with Salem the very next day. In India, Bedi claims that she is not Salem’s wife. Salem rubbishes her claim. It seems likely that Salem has not watched any of her movies.

Thousands of MBA-aspirants are left shocked after CAT 2005. “It was tough,’ they said. ‘CAT is meant to be tough,’ IIM officials responded. IIPM again change their punch line to ‘Dare to dream beyond IIM’s’. Ranjit Don is the first to apply.

England wins back the Ashes from the Australian Cricket Team. When queried about their success, English coach Duncan Fletcher said that he resorted to the tactic of mental disintegration. Australian coach John Buchanan agrees, ‘our team was never the same after the visit from the Royal Family. We’re probably the only folks to have seen Camilla Parker Bowles without make-up.’

Shane Warne’s wife leaves him after he mistook her for someone else and sent her raunchy sms’s. His mom later said that she didn’t give Warne any pill.

Pop-star Michael Jackson is arrested and then later cleared on charges of child abuse. He has since then moved to Saudi Arabia from where he plans to run an orphanage with Duncan Grant of Anchorage fame.

Actor Vijaykant floats a new political party, which will address exclusively the grievances of actors who are above the age of 50 and want to play the role of college students.

Tom Cruise goes on the rampage by jumping up and down on a couch on the Oprah Winfrey show. Impressed by its durability, he later models for the couch.

Intelligent Design is now accepted as a separate subject to be taught in the schools of the US. The proponents of ID, however, have no answer to Tom Cruise.

Bangalore will now be known as Bengaluru. The former name has been outsourced to an unknown country.

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