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Insanely Inane Thoughts

If fate doesn't make you laugh, you just don't get the joke.

Why did the chicken cross the road?

Thursday, October 28, 2004
GEORGE W. BUSH
We don't really care why the chicken crossed the road. We just want to know if the chicken is on our side of the road or not. The chicken is either with us or it is against us. There is no middle ground here.

TONY BLAIR
I agree with George.

COLIN POWELL
Now at the left of the screen, you clearly see the satellite image of the chicken crossing the road.

HANZ BLIX
We have reason to believe there is a chicken, but we have not yet been allowed access to the other side of the road.

SADDAM HUSSEIN
This was an unprovoked act of rebellion and we were quite justified in
dropping 50 tons of nerve gas on it.

RALPH NADER
The chicken's habitat on the original side of the road had been polluted by unchecked industrialist greed. The chicken did not reach the unspoiled habitat on the other side of the road because it was crushed by the wheels of a gas-guzzling SUV.

PAT BUCHANAN
To steal a job from a decent, hard-working American.

MARTHA STEWART
No one called to warn me which way that chicken was going. I had a standing order at the farmer's market to sell my eggs when the price dropped to a certain level. No little bird gave me any insider information.

MARTIN LUTHER KING, JR.
I envision a world where all chickens will be free to cross roads without having their motives called into question.

JOHN LENNON
Imagine all the chickens crossing roads in peace.

KARL MARX
It was an historical inevitability.

VOLTAIRE
I may not agree with what the chicken did, but I will defend to the death its right to do it.

RONALD REAGAN
What chicken?

SIGMUND FREUD
The fact that you are at all concerned that the chicken crossed the road reveals your underlying sexual insecurity.

BILL CLINTON
I did not cross the road with THAT chicken. What do you mean by chicken?
Could you define chicken, please?

MOSES
And then He said "Let the chicken cross the road."

HOMER SIMPSON
The chicken crossed the road because....oohhh....DONUT!!!

DONALD TRUMP
The chicken crossed the road?!?You are FIRED!

DOUGLAS ADAMS
42

Michael Jackson
I didn't do anything with the chicken.I enjoy being with chickens because that makes me feel like a chicken inside.

MORPHEUS
There is no road.

Two Cows

Thursday, October 21, 2004
SOCIALIST: You have two cows. The government takes one and gives it to your neighbor. You're placed in a cooperative to tell him how to manage your cow.

COMMUNIST: You have two cows. The government seizes both and provides you with milk. You wait in line for hours to get it. It is expensive,and sour.

CAPITALISM, AMERICAN STYLE: You have two cows. You sell one, buy a bull, and build a herd of cows.

DEMOCRACY, AMERICAN STYLE: You have two cows. The government taxes you to the point you have to sell both to support a man in a foreign country who has only one cow, which was a gift from your government.

BUREAUCRACY, AMERICAN STYLE: You have two cows. The government takes them both, shoots one, milks the other, pays you for the milk, then pours the milk down the drain.

AMERICAN CORPORATION: You have two cows. You sell one, lease it back to yourself, and do an IPO on the 2nd one. You force the 2 cows to produce the milk of four cows. You are surprised when one cow drops dead. You spin an announcement to the analysts stating you have downsized and are reducing expenses.Your stock goes up.

FLORIDA CORPORATION: You have a black cow and a brown cow. Everyone votes for the best-looking one. Some of the people who like the brown one best vote for the black one. Some people vote for both. Some people vote for neither.Some people can't figure out how to vote at all. Finally, a bunch of Democrats from out-of-state tell you which is the best-looking one.

NEW YORK CORPORATION: You have fifteen million cows. You have to choose which one will be the leader of the herd, so you pick some fat, bossy bitch cow from Arkansas.

FRENCH CORPORATION: You have two cows. You go on strike because you want three cows. You go to lunch and drink wine. Life is good.

JAPANESE CORPORATION: You have two cows. You redesign them so they are 1/10 the size of an ordinary cow and produce 20 times the milk. They learn to travel on unbelievably crowded trains. Most are at the top of their class at cow school.

GERMAN CORPORATION: You have two cows. You engineer them so they are all blond, drink lots of beer, give excellent quality milk, and run a hundred miles an hour. Unfortunately, they also demand 13 weeks of vacation per year.

ITALIAN CORPORATION: You have two cows, but you don't know where they are. While ambling around, you see a beautiful woman. You break for lunch.Life is good.

RUSSIAN CORPORATION: You have two cows. You have some vodka.You count them and learn you have 5 cows. You have some more vodka.You count them again and now you have 42 cows. The Mafia shows up and takes over however many cows you really have.

TALIBAN CORPORATION: You have all the cows in Afghanistan,which are two. You don't milk them because you cannot touch any creature's private parts. Then you kill them and claim a US bomb blew them up while they
were in the hospital.

IRAQI CORPORATION: You have two cows. They go into hiding. They send radio tapes of their mooing.

CALIFORNIAN CORPORATION: You have millions of cows. Most are illegals. Arnold likes the ones with the big udders.

INDIAN CORPORATION: You have two cows.They wander around the roads aimlessly.

PAKISTANI CORPORATION: You have no cows.You claim that the Indian cows are yours.

BRITISH CORPORATION: You have two cows....both are mad.

SWISS CORPORATION: You have 5000 cows, none of which belong to you. You charge others for storing them.

CHINESE CORPORATION: You have two cows.You have 300 people milking them.You claim full employment, high bovine productivity, and arrest the newsman who reported the numbers.

BIBLE CORPORATION: You have two cows.You pray and then you pray some more.Now you have two holy cows.

FREUDIAN CORPORATION: You have two cows.They have dreams about having sex with your mother.

WWJD

Friday, October 08, 2004
Here's a little something I found while surfing.It's fricking funny...

The Employee Handbook 2004


SICK DAYS: We will no longer accept a doctor's statement as proof of sickness. If you are able to go to the doctor, you are able to come to work.

SURGERY: Operations are now banned. As long as you are an employee here, you need all your organs. You should not consider removing anything. We hired you intact. To have something removed constitutes a breach of employment contract.

PERSONAL DAYS: Each employee will receive 104 personal days a year. They are called Saturday & Sunday.

VACATION DAYS : All employees will take their vacation at the same time every year. The vacation days are as follows: Jan. 1, August 15 & Dec. 25

BEREAVEMENT LEAVE: This is no excuse for missing work. There is nothing you can do for dead friends, relatives or coworkers. Every effort should be made to have non-employees attend to the arrangements. In rare cases where employee involvement is necessary, the funeral should be scheduled in the late afternoon. We will be glad to allow you to work through your lunch hour and subsequently leave one hour early, provided your share of the work is done.

OUT FROM YOUR OWN DEATH: This will be accepted as an excuse. However, we require at least two weeks notice as it is your duty to train your own replacement.

RESTROOM USE: Entirely too much time is being spent in the restroom. In the future, we will follow the practice of going in alphabetical order. For instance, all employees whose names begin with 'A' will go from 8:00 to 8:20, employees whose names begin with 'B' will go from 8:20 to 8:40 and so on. If you're unable to go at your allotted time, it will be necessary to wait until the next day when your turn comes again. In extreme emergencies employees may swap their time with a coworker. Both employees' supervisors must approve this exchange in writing. In addition, there is now a strict 3-minute time limit in the stalls. At the end of three minutes, an alarm will sound, the toilet paper roll will retract, and the stall door will open.

LUNCHBREAK: Skinny people get an hour for lunch as they need to eat more so that they can look healthy; normal size people get 30 minutes for lunch to get a balanced meal to maintain their average figure. Fat people get 5 minutes for lunch because that's all the time needed to drink a Slim Fast & take a diet pill.

DRESS CODE: It is advised that you come to work dressed according to your salary. If we see you wearing $350 Prada shoes & carrying a $600 Gucci bag we assume you are doing well financially and therefore you do not need a raise.

Thank you for your loyalty to our company. We are here to provide a positive employment experience. Therefore, all questions comments, concerns, complaint, frustrations, irritations, aggravations, insinuations, allegations, accusations, contemplations, consternations or input should be directed elsewhere.

Have a nice week,

Management.

Blogger revealed

Sunday, October 03, 2004
I am going to kick off a new feature today called "Myself revealed".(No, I haven't started working for a porno site inspite of the offers I keep getting from them.)

This week deals with : Humor.

Most people call me funny.Those who don't are insignificant.

I am really good at making fun of other people.So I make fun of you and everyone but you starts laughing.I feel nice about it.

Somedays I make fun of the people who laugh at my jokes.Initially, they laugh for a bit.It's only after they have started thinking that they realize that they are laughing at themselves.So midway through their laugh,their face contorts.That's because of the fact that they are half-way between laughing at themselves and spitting at me.

Now it's my turn to laugh at them.

They tell me to get lost.

I take the hint and shut up for a bit.

After a few seconds have elapsed(my refractory period), I start off again.They begin to get irritated and start calling me names.

I stop for a bit.I feel heavy.

So I take a leak and come back.

By now, their mood seems to be getting better.

I start making fun of them again.

They are working themselves into a temper.They prod me with sticks and throw stones at me.

I slink away like a thief at night.I hide behind a counter and watch them regroup.I can hear their animated chatter.They point towards me and keep saying the word "Bomb".

After sometime,I get near the group again.I make fun of them....again.

They ignore me.

How dare they!

When the clawing and biting gets really bad,they notice me and throw me to the ground.They bound me and gag me and take me to an undisclosed loacation.

They remove the gag.They look at me with such malicious intent that I stop making fun of them.

For today.

The group picks me up and throws me into an abyss.

I fall and I fall......and land on a huge pile of manure.

I lay there, stunned.Only then does it dawn to me that my jokes stink.

The group,my loyal readers, are none other than my friends.

Moral of this feature : With friends like these, you are already in deep shit.

Enron

Friday, October 01, 2004
Love is like an energy which can neither be created nor be destroyed…
It can just be transferred from one girlfriend to another girlfriend

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