Insanely Inane Thoughts

It's that time of the year again when we try to fool oursleves, and others, by making little resolutions which we promise to keep.There are more chances of Bush getting re-elected than me keeping my resolution.Wait, he did get re-elected, but what the hell, I still wanted to make that joke.

Coming back to my point, I have no idea why people are so pumped up to make resolutions for New Year's.Most of the guys will make little lists, party hard and get stoned, and will forget about the list even before they have the chance to throw-up.Besides, if it's a New Year's resolution, shouldn't you make the resolutions on the 1st of Jan instead of the other 31 days in December.Ohhh, there goes the little light bulb, a trifle too late one would have to say.

Anyways, my lame-ass resolution is not to make any resolutions.But since I hardly keep my resolutions, does it mean I'll make a proper New Year resolution?

Prank of the day:
New Year's is the perfect time to play some pranks.Most of your friends will be drunk.If they aren't, make sure they are.

Now, for the prank, carry some nice cellophane sheets.Make sure you don't crease it too much.As the party progresses and the alcohol starts flowing, make a covert trip to the restroom.

Now smooth the cellophane sheet over the WC.Make sure no creases are visible.Even if they are, drunk people would hardly look for cellophane sheets in the toilet bowl.

If the prank is successful, it could get really gross.So make sure you have spare WC's which can be used.

Here's to a cellophane-free New Year's.
And don't drink and drive.Speed breakers could cause the drink to spill.

Boy Behind The Mischief

As youngsters, we have a dream.Actually, we have many dreams and some of them end up being wet ones.But you know the kind of dream I am talking about.The dream dream.

In any case, there was this young man who aslo had a dream dream.

He wanted to write stuff that the whole world would read, stuff that people would react to on truly emotional levels, stuff that would make them scream, cry, howl in pain and curse with vehemence.

He chased his dream down and has even become somewhat of a success at what he is doing.

He now writes error messages for Microsoft.

PS:- There's also a rumor that he is ghost writing President Bush's speeches.If true, he is what we call a complete success.

This was on June 15,2004 :-

"To all those who use our competitor's products: Happy Father's Day"
- Durex

Haloscan commenting and trackback have been added to this blog.

Were you, by any stroke of luck, a ragpicker,garbage collecter or anything more demeaning than that?

Why do I ask, you ask.

I have been observing your little covert operation for sometime now.

Ohh, don't look so embarrased now.Save it for later.

I saw you prepare your finger soldiers to prepare for chemical warfare.At it's worst.Or should I say, finger miners.Ohh, don't tax your brain so much, fucktarts.I'll make my point crystal clear to you.I wouldn't want to wage a battle of wits with an unarmed opponent over here, would I?

Coming back to your little mining expedition.You prepared your finger, index finger to be precise, to act as a surveyor.You then propelled him towards the object of desire, which happened to be your nose at this instance, and then started a little drilling exercise.

Retract device and look for ore.

Eureka!!

Paydirt, screams your slimy little mind.

This sends your others fingers into a tizzy.I wasn't aware that you could multi-task.But hey, donkeys do evolve.You are getting all worked up.Your other fingers can sense a kill and go in for looking for easy picks.This scene reminded me of sharks going on a feeding frenzy.The only difference being that they were much more elegant in action.

Anyways, you are working up a sweat now.Little miners are getting exited and then, the dam bursts.You propel your shitty little surveyor too hard and bam!!

We got a bleeder here.

Nope, sorry.

No sympathy here.

Only disgust.Pure, unadulterated disgust.

This is where my previous little lesson comes in handy.Remember that magical thing called an handkerchief?

Should I use it to stop the bleeding, you ask me.

Of course not, Asimov.

I usually have spare tampons on me.I wanted you to choke on the hanky.Is it really that hard to comprehend?!?A child of four could understand this.Fetch me a child of four.

Yep, this is where you should start looking embarrased.Dying of embarrasment wouldn't be such a bad idea either.

Ohhh, your stop has arrived.Well, don't be a stranger or else I would miss out on my intrain entertainment.

Can you dig that, sucka?

Continuing in the same vein as I left off with the previous Womanese post, here are some more infuriating examples of woman double-talk.

For newbies, bold is what she says(as we understand it).

Do you have a girlfriend?
Aren't you cute.. but are you still available?

Why don't you have a girlfriend?
What in God's name is wrong with you that other woman wouldn't want to be seen with you?

We need to understand each other better.
You need to agree with me more.Period.

I think of you just as a friend and nothing more.
Don't even think about it.

Do as you please.
I'll get you for it later.

You wouldn't understand.
I don't understand it, but i won't tell you that.

I don't want a boyfriend now.
I dont want YOU as a boyfriend now.

I like you but...
I don't.

I’ll be ready in a minute.
Sit back, kick off the shoes, and find a good show.

Nothing's wrong
Everthing is wrong.

Leave me alone for a bit.
Stay and talk to me.

I'm not shouting.
This is very important...

I need space.
Without you in it.

It's alright.
It really isnt alright.

Are you GAY?
Why wouldn't you go out with me?

Rita comes home after a long day's work.On entering the house, she spots her dog, Richard, cuddled under the table.Let's go back to when she opens her door...

Rita, the human.

*Bolt*

It's so dark in here.

*Slush slush*

What the....? What did I step into now?

*Switch*

That's bette..... ewwww... I stepped into Richard's poop.That dog is never going to learn!

And where is my doggiedoo Richard?

There, under the table!Of all the places he could cuddle into, he prefers the table...

Kooochy koochy koo, Dicksy dear.Come to mommie... *kissing sounds towards the dog*

Hmmm, I wonder why he isn't bounding towards me.

Ohhh, he's looking so innocently at me with his beady, beautiful eyes.How cute is that! Let me take a photograph of this moment.I'm sure that Mindy and Mork will loove this photo!

*Flash*

Tring...Tring

*Click*

Hello?

Ohhh, Mindy.You wont believe what an incredibly cute snap of Richard I just took.And.... ohhh! It's getting even cuter.He's licking his balls now... no no...I don't think it's gross.He's looking at me again.Okay, I'll talk to you later.

*Click*

Come over here, Richsie.

*She's stroking him now*

Ohhh, feeling happy? Look at the way your tail's wagging....

Dick, the dog.

*Bolt*

Ohhh shit, the bitch is back!

*Slush slush*

Haha, she stepped right into that one.That's for castrating me, dyke!

Damn, the minion of the AntiChrist has spotted me.I must find a better place to hide.

Koochy koochy koo, Dicksie dear?What the fuck does she think I am?An one-year old?

I'm telling you, one of these days I going to bite the boobies off her chest.

*Eyeing her*

Not that you would notice the difference, blackboard!

No no no, not the camera again.She's not going to rest till I develop cataracts.

*Tring..Tring*

Saved by the bell... yeah, baby... there is God!

Ohh crap, here comes that itch again. Emasculation seems to have some very strange side-effects.

What the...?

Stop telling your friends about my activities, drag queen.

First off, there is nothing cute about it.You wouldn't call Marilyn Manson licking his balls cute, would you?

Secondly, I don't peek into your bathroom and look at you scrubbing your privates.The only time I did peek into your bathroom and found you doing just that, a small part of me died that day.Infact, that's the chief reason behind me tuning gay.If you can turn a horny dog like me towards homophilia, one day even the batteries are going to die on you!

Well, coming back to the point, even if I did spot you scrubbing your stinkhole, I don't go about barking out to my friends to tell them to stay away from you lest they contract some STD.

Thirdly, whenever...dang it..she's off the phone.

I better take small steps towards her now.The things I have to do for food are simply amazing...

Okay, let's go over the protocol again.

Don't bite her.The moment you feel like biting her, start counting from 1 to infinty by wagging your tail.

And no, you can't kill her via a whiplash.

I know rush hour traiffic is bad.There are so many armpits, each plying its untenable wares.You sometimes wonder whether these are the WMD's someone kept refering to...

But once this novelty wears out, you tend to feel bored.And then there are times when you may feel tired.

You get the gist.

But let's make one thing clear.

No matter what happens, no matter how bored you are, you cannot FEEL me.

Thanks for listening, grimmy hands.

PS:- Neither do I encourage feeling yourself up.

I see that you enjoy sitting by the window.

Yes, the view can be quite breath-taking.The site of burly,unkempt men shitting themselves silly by the railway tracks requires just that.A big breath of air to be taken in,cherised as if it were going to be your last for the next 30 seconds.

Then there are the times when little kids by the track flash their little weenies at you, shouting out names that would make you and your best friend blush.

Those were the times....

But this isn't what it's about.

I enjoy sitting by the window, taking in the sights.I still do.

As a matter of fact, I am enjoying the view as we speak.

Ohhh, look.

I can feel specks of rain lashing against my cheek.But that's strange as I can't see any rain on the otherside of the window.Infact, I can't even see any clouds ganging up against the horizon.

What's that?

You have the answer to explain the mysterious rain droplets.Yes, please enlighten me.

Ohhh, that was you...ermm....sneezing.

Ahhh, that makes so much more sense 'cause I thought that there was a cloudburst in Somalia and the rain drops managed to transcend all boundaries.

Ohhh, I cracked a funny eh?

Stop smiling, you friggin idiot! There are certain privileges when it comes to sitting with the wind.I'll try my best to educate you on this one.

You see the white cloth flapping against your breast pocket.Reach for it.

It's called the handkerchief.

Ohhh my Lord, I think I just saw a flicker of recognition flash across your eyes.Will miracles never cease?

Place it over your mouth as you feel a sneeze coming.And please, trim the Hanging Gardens of Noseylon.No, I don't care if you are going to Ripley's for the longest nosehair ever recorded by travelling retards.

Now sneeze.

Magic!

Not a single drop of your scum juice splattered over my face.

Good, now I can enjoy the sights and sound of my train ride without worring if my co-passenger is afflicted with TB.

Wait, what are you upto now?No no no, you cannot put your finger in your........

Things you would love to say at work:-

1. I can see your point, but I still think you're full of crap.
2. I don't know what your problem is, but I'll bet it's hard to pronounce.
3. How about never? Is never good for you?
4. I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
5. I'm really easy to get along with once you people learn to see it my way.

6. I'll try being nicer if you'll try being smarter.
7. I'm out of my mind, but feel free to leave a message.
8. I don't work here. I'm a consultant.
9. It sounds like English, but I can't understand a word you're saying.
10. Ahhh, I see the screw-up fairy has visited us again...

11. I like you. You remind me of when I was young and stupid.
12. You are validating my inherent mistrust of strangers.
13. I have plenty of talent and vision. I just don't care.
14. I'm already visualizing the duct tape over your mouth.
15. I will always cherish the initial misconceptions I had about you.

16. Thank you. We're all refreshed and challenged by your unique point of view.
17. The fact that no one understands you doesn't mean you're an artist.
18. Any connection between your reality and mine is purely coincidental.
19. I'm not being rude. You're just insignificant.
20. Everybody makes mistakes.Your parents are still regretting theirs.

21. Yes, I am an agent of Satan, but my duties are largely ceremonial.
22. And your crybaby whiny-butt opinion would be...?
23. Do I look like a people person?
24. This isn't an office. It's Hell with fluorescent lighting.

25. I started out with nothing & still have most of it left.
26. Sarcasm is just one more service we offer.
27. If I throw a stick, will you leave?
28. Whatever kind of look you were going for, you missed.

29. I'm trying to imagine you with a personality.
30. A cubicle is just a padded cell without a door.
31. Can I trade this job for what's behind door #1?
32. Nice perfume. Must you marinate in it?


33. Chaos, panic, & disorder - my work here is done.
34. I thought I wanted a career, turns out I just wanted pay checks.

Greeting your friend is never a problem.You seem him coming upto you and you go "What's up, my man?"

However, it never ceases to amaze my how the same line is thrown about so carelessly while one is in the restroom.

Imagine yourself in the restroom, making yourself handy.Suddenly your friend comes up from behind, no pun intended, and shouts out "Hey Joe, what's up?!?"

You look down in panic wondering if there has been a malfunction of sorts.Relieved, pun intended, you blurt "Nothing yet, Jack" instead of "Nothing much, Jack".

But it could act as an icebreaker....

"Hey Joe!!What's up, my man?!?"
"Nothing much, Jack".
"Speaking of up, I think my man has a problem...."

And you can take it from there.

Again, no pun intended.

An old email; all dredged up.


This is the private diary of a Viagra housewife...

Day 1
Just celebrated our 25th wedding anniversary with not much to celebrate. When it came time to re-enact our wedding night, he locked himself in the bathroom and cried.

Day 2
Today, he says he has a big secret to tell me. He's impotent, he says, and he wants me to be the first to know. Why doesn't he tell me something I don't know! I mean, he actually thinks I haven't noticed.

Day 3
This marriage is in trouble. A woman has needs. Yesterday, I saw a picture of Nelson's Column and burst into tears.

Day 4
A miracle has happened! There's a new drug on the market that will fix his 'problem'. It's called Viagra. I told him that if he takes Viagra, things will be just like they were on our wedding night. I think this will work. I replaced his Prozac with the Viagra, hoping to lift something other than his mood.

Day 5
What absolute bliss!!

Day 6
Isn't life wonderful but it's difficult to write while he's doing that.

Day 7
This Viagra thing has gone to his head. No pun intended! Yesterday, at Burger King, the manager asked me if I'd like a Whopper. He thought they were talking about him. But, have to admit it's very nice -- I don't think I've ever been so happy.

Day 8
I think he took too many over the weekend. Yesterday, instead of mowing the lawn, he was using his new friend as a weed wacker. I'm also getting a bit sore down there.

Day 9
No time to write. He might catch me.

Day 10
Okay, I admit it. I'm hiding. I mean, a girl can only take so much. And to make matters worse, he's washing the Viagra down with neat whiskey! What am I going to do? I feel tacky all over...

Day 11
I'm basically being screwed to death. It's like living with a Black and Decker drill. I woke up this morning hot-glued to the bed. Even my armpits hurt. He's a complete pig.

Day 12
I wish he was gay. I've stopped wearing make-up, cleaning my teeth or even washing but he still keeps coming after me! Even yawning has become dangerous...

Day 13
Every time I shut my eyes, there's a sneak attack! It's like going to bed with a scud missile. I can hardly walk and if he tries that "Oops, sorry" thing again, I'll kill the jerk.

Day 14
I've done everything to turn him off. Nothing is working. I even started dressing like a nun but this just seems to make him more horny. Help me!

Day 15
I think I'll have to kill him. I'm starting to stick to everything I sit on. The cat and dog won't go near him and our friends don't come over any more. Last night I told him to go screw himself and he did.

Day 16
The jerk has started to complain about headaches. I hope the bloody thing explodes. I did suggest he might try stopping the Viagra and going back on Prozac.

Day 17
Switched the pills but it doesn't seem to have made any difference... Christ! Here he comes again!

Day 18
He's back on Prozac. The lazy sod just sits there in front of the TV all day with that remote control in his hand and expects me to do everything for him. What absolute bliss!