Insanely Inane Thoughts

Jay and Deepti were happily married until now.Jay, being a man and a horny one at that, was always ready for some tomfoolery in the bedroom.Tonight was no such exception.

As soon as the lights were turned off by Deepti, Jay started getting a little comfortable.However, she hardly responded.Infact, just as Jay was getting into the mood, she turns towards Jay and tells him, "I'm not in that mood, honey.I just want to be held in your arms."

Jays winks at her and says, "That's exactly what I'm saying.All I want is that it be held in your loving fingers."

She looks at him coldly and says, "That's so typically like men.You just aren't aware of my emotional needs as a women.Period."

Jay was rather taken aback by this nasty turn of events.Realizing that he wasn't going to get any this night, he went to the bathroom; and slept as a contented man in twently minutes.

Over the next few days, things were more or less the same.This left him very frustrated.

Having just moved into a new house, there was still some shopping which had to be done.One day while they were out shopping, Deepti fell in love with an outrageously priced painting.She insisted that it matched with the decor of the living room and after much persistence, Jay told her to take it with her.Triumphant, Deepti was in no mood to relent.She spotted some exquisite Swaroski crystals which caugh her fancy.Jay told her to take that along as well.By now, Deepti was over the moon.She must have been thinking that Jay was one synapse away from insanity, but he didn't think she cared.

This was the closest Jay had seen Deepti come towards any sort of an excitement in the past few days and he thought it bordered on the verge of an orgasm.Deepti was flush with excitement when she told Jay that she was ready to head towards the check-out counter.Jay could hardly contain himself and blurted out, "But I don't feel like buying all this stuff now, honey.".

Her face became as pale as a ghost's and then he said, "All I wanted you to do was hold them."Just before she triggered off an intergalactic war, he added for good measure, "Maybe you aren't aware of my financial needs as a man."

Jay figures that he wouldn't be having sex till he turns 60.

If there is a bigger crime than being a nice guy, it's being a funny, nice guy.I think I'm either funny or nice because when I make fun, I am not such a nice guy.

But girls feel otherwise.

I try to rectify this misconception as amicably as I could.The other day, a girlfriend of mine was telling me about how she thinks that sex and anything related to sex was such a pain in the ass.I told her as politely as I could that if she thinks that sex is a pain in the ass then most often than not she is doing it the wrong way.She burst out laughing and tells me how funny I am.Here I am, making fun of her intellectual capabilties on the subject of sex and she brands me as a "funny" guy.There are days when I just nod along, barely listening to the girls who yap away till Rip Van Winkle gets up.On such days, they tell me what a nice guy I am.Most often than not, I think that girls think of nice guys as an emotional pad.Nice, funny guys are pads with wings.

Unlike Rajesh , who has been likened to a younger brother who also looks like a dog, I haven't been compared to either.However, I have had some girls tell me that I remind them of a bunny.Bunnies, by nature, are extremely sexual and if you think of the Energizer Bunny, then that would mean that I could go on and on and on.Well then, here is a guy who seems to be nice, funny and has been told indirectly that he is a sex god.

But I'm still single.I don't want it to sound as if I'm complaining but there is only so much your hand can take.

Being a nice, funny guy does get you girls.The catch being that they are already hitched with another guy.They come over to you and talk to you about all that is wrong with their guy and then go on to exclaim why he isn't like me."I'm still single", I say.They throw back their heads and laugh like there is no tomorrrow."This is why we like talking to you so much, you're so funnny".Hell yeah, I'm sooo fricking funny that I have tears coming out of my eyes.

Another common theme betwen all nice guys is how they much of trust they inspire from girls.In fact, all of us could start out a sisterhood together and no-one would find it funny.Women call you up and talk to you for hours at end about their latest crush; who's seeing whom; who isn't seeing whom( which includes you).This usually stretches late into the night and sets you up with the ideal time to talk dirty over the phone."So what are you wearing or should I ask what aren't you wearing?"."Almost nothing; why?"."Drape on something; you might catch a cold." She ends up laughing and I still retain my funny, nice guy reputation.

Many guys who know me also encourage their girls to meet up with me.One of the conversations I had with a dude, had him telling me how furious he got when his girl acted overtly friendly with another dude; but when she acted the same way with me, it's all fine.These are the days when I want to scream out: Hello, look at my groin.These are what people call testicles and this is what they call a weeny.When they work in synchrony, stuff happens (touch wood).

But there is nothing to be bitter about.I've made some real good girlfriends and when their boyfriends start dying one after the other under mysterious circumstances, not even God can stop me.

From being a nice, funny guy who is still single.

This account is purely fictitious; life swings my way too ;)

The Kid In Me - Michael Jackson

The Art Of Hiring - Donald Trump

Pretzel Presidency - George Bush

45 Minutes To Fame - Tony Blair (also authored "Lapdog ; Yes, Mr.President" )

Overcoming Obsession - Michael Moore

One Man Army - Gen. Musharaff

Lost For Words - Jay Leno

Zero Proliferation - A.Q.Khan

How To Win An Oscar - Jim Carrey

Blown Away - Bill Clinton