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Insanely Inane Thoughts

If fate doesn't make you laugh, you just don't get the joke.

Understanding cinema

Thursday, March 10, 2005
Soft, mellifulous music fills up your ear as you let your guard down temporarily.Just as you are about to nod off, a damnsel jiggles her booty onscreen.Your interest is piqued but immediately destroyed as the song tortures you with lyrics written to entertain hyenas; she peels off her clothes like you would to orange for your breakfast; with absolute disinterest.

The damnsel gyrates around the, by now, brain-dead hero who has an expression befitting a cretin.As she prances about in her bare essentials, all you can wonder is if the documentary "Super size me" inspired her to put such an awful load on her chest.This is the last thought that enters your brain for 15 years as the movie gives a new meaning to brain drain.

This song/scene, in essence, portrays the wonderful dump that is Bollywood's B-grade movies.

The aforementioned scene is supposedly seductive; for me and countless others, it is as seductive as King Kong being given a blowjob by Godzilla.

And that's putting it mildly.

However, these filmmakers have hit upon certain tricks to lure in unsuspecting cinegoers.A day after the horror has been unleashed, they put out ads stating that their misery is "Running Successfully".There is some truth in these words and I shall educate you in why these lunatics are partially correct.

The very day that the movie releases, many enthusiatic moviegoers hit the theatres.However when none of the audience members come out after the stipulated three hours, or even before, authorites get suspicious and enter the theatre.They discover that the innocent audience, in their haste to escape the ordeal, have hanged themselves from the nearest curtain rod.

The city, getting a whiff of this new age concentration camp, sets up a vigilante group.The filmmakers are now on the run and for everyday they evade these people, the ad comes out screaming "Running Successfully".

Another trick the filmmakers employ is letting the word out that their movie is "Superhit".Again, using their twisted logic, it all makes sense.

The distributors who sign up with the filmmakers, effectly giving their business the death kiss, are knee deep in losses.Their finances have taken a hit, you could call it a "Superhit".Infact, they are being forced to foot the bill for admitting many cinegoers into an institution.Since it was their movie that has plunged the distributors in an asscrack so deep that they are full of shit, the filmmakers are calling their movie a "Superhit".

Now, there are certain scenes which we see everyday in these Bollywood movies that requires attention.Infact, as you might be aware, there are other film industries in India which go by the names of Tollywood,Mollywood etc.There are also rumors doing rounds that there is going to be a Plywood pretty soon.They too have certain scenes which, if shown to eight year olds, would wire their physics wrong.

One of the more famous B-film actor is Mithun Chakravarthy.In one of the films, he has a brain tumor, which according to the best of the doctors in town, can't be cured making his death imminent.In one of the fight scenes, he is shot in the head.To everybody's suprise, the bullet passes through his ears taking away his tumor with it.

Long live Mithun.

In another one of his movies, he is confronted with two badass villians.They are both giving their usual badass laughter and then Mithun whips out his revolver.However, much to his consternation, he discovers that he has only one bullet left in his gun.So here's what he does:

He pulls out a knife, holds it up against the barrel and shoots.The bullet gets sliced by the knife and then goes at right angles to the direction it was fired in and kills the two badasses.

And you thought Clint Eastwood was the man.

And how can one ever forget Rajnikanth, the evergreen blasphemer of Physics, Biology, Chemistry and any other discipline which ends with a -try.

In the climax of this movie, Rajnikanth is chasing down a villian who is on the other side of a really, really big wall.So what our Rajni does is:

He throws up a knife which goes high enough to show him the villian's location and then he whips out his gun and fires it at the knife.The bullet then deflects off the knife and before you can say Physics, the much detested villian is dead.

Another trademark Rajnikanth move is the lighting up of his smoke.Just before he is ready to kickass, he throws up his smoke and proceeds to beat up the baddies while his smoke orbits the Moon 743 times before returning to Earth and perching itself between our hero's lips.And suprise, surprise; the smoke is lit.It must have been the friction.

Thankfully, these stunts are rather redundant now.

But the directors making such movies are not.So don't be surprised if there is a follow-up to this article because one can never run out of people to make fun of.

Game over

Tuesday, March 08, 2005
An eerie quiet enveloped me as I became painfully aware of the situation I was in.A faint breeze nuzzled against my cheek but even this seemed hostile to me, given the predicament I was in.

I stood there, in the middle of a battlefield, looking as lost as baby in a topless bar.I had nothing to protect myself with save a piece of wood.Time stopped for a while and all I heard was the wailing silence.

This is it, I said to myself.It's a dream for us mortals; to proove our worth in a time of crisis.Here was my oppurtunity and I couldn't have been worse prepared.Sweat trickled across my brow and exploded onto the ground like a busted dam.My comrades were well entrenched; they had an eagle's view of what was going on.I looked at their direction and all I saw was disillusion.Maybe it was pity; who cares.

It was now or never.

I looked around for a weakness in my enemy's plan.I was surrounded by ten able men, each of them circling around me like a falcon over its prey.I met their gaze and saw nothing but an urge to crush me; my soldiers.Their faces were so familiar but now it seemed that each of them had put on their mask; their transformation from Jekyll to Hyde was complete.They had been my friends a few hours back.

Now I looked straight down the ground; my nemesis stood there, not more than a few feet away from me.He brushed off the sweat from his face and stared back at me.His face broke into a smile; it wasn't a reassuring one.My throat felt parched and I longed to be anywhere but here.He tossed the grenade from one hand to the other with such nonchalence that it was hard to believe that he had sealed the fate of six of my comrades with similar grenades.

He was my best friend.

Left; right; left; right; left....

I shook my head, to break away from the hypnotic trance I looked around for one last time and then crouched over there with nothing but wood in my hand.

One last toss and he was off.He ran with surprising swiftness; as if to hurry me up through this ordeal.But, when your end is near everything happens as if in slow motion.Every step he took seemed as if to crush my resolve; every step brought him closer to his destiny.

Our destiny.

I blinked once and talked to myself.I was living in a madman's dream.I held my weapon a little more tightly as he came even closer.With great alacrity, he hurled the grenade at me.It was travelling at the rate of knots but it seemed to float towards me.

I moved away a little and it moved a little; towards me.I moved a little again and still it moved towards me.It had one name written all over it: Rohit.

It was within reach when I let go.I swung my arm with all my might as it came screaming towards my toes.I swear that I could hear the music in its dance towards destruction.

I missed and heard the death rattle.It was no less than an explosive one to my ears.I stood there as the only victim of the violence the grenade had spawned.

I looked towards my comrades as they walked towards me; a wounded soldier in the middle of nowhere.Then I looked up at my nemesis.

"Cleaned you up," was all he said as he went over to congratulate his mates.

He cleaned me up alright; I was the worst possible batsmen to have walked this planet.

"Tough luck, yaar" ;"Saala bowled a good yorker, hahn?Almost as good as yours," my team-mates said.

I looked back at him and smiled.He had learnt well.

He's still my best friend.

The screw

Saturday, March 05, 2005
The evening breeze wrapped itself around my face as me and my friends wandered around in Colaba.

Colaba is what many call downtown Bombay; Bombaywallahs simply call it as "town".To be more honest, it's the snobbish town folks who refer to it as "town"; for the others, it's still Colaba.But, it's the only part of the city which has had some planning; sidewalks exist, roads are consistently motorable and there are actual open spaces in the form of the maidans.That half of Bombay descends onto these maidans like Bush does on Iraq is another thing.

So there we were, me and my two friends killing time judiciously.This part of Colaba (Causeway) is very famous for the bargain stores.Actually, these stores are more of a makeshift arrangement on the pavement but calling them bargain stores is much more fashionable.These haunts sell anything from cameras to lighters to watches to jeweleries.The price these people quote is always negotiable; but even when settling on a relatively lower price than what you had started off from, you have a stinking suspicion that you've been had.

These shops are quite symbolic of Bombay; they co-exist with stores of repute like Westside, Mark and Spencers,McDonalds right next to them.But, I digress....

One of my two friends has a very peculiar bent of mind; he is quite myopic but still refuses to don glasses or contact lenses.So, even if Pamela Anderson parades buck naked 10 feet infront of him carrying a placard which shouts out "I'm buck naked and yours for the taking" ; he would be sweetly oblivious of what he was missing out on.To make up for this disability, he squints and squints so much that one cannot discount the possibility of a chinese lineage.

A lot of people mistake his squint as an indication of a full bladder and/or constipation.

To drive home my point on how debilitating this refusal of undertaking corrective measures is for him, I shall cite an incident that jumps to my mind.

A few days back, some friends of mine and me were, well, killing time again.Walking across the street are these incredibly hot chicks.A surge of testosterone seared through our bodies as we took in the sight; some were subtle enough but others; including the squinter; were ogling, to put it mildly.We knew one of the girls so we waved out to her from across the street and the girl waved back.The squinter looks at her and then looks at us and says, "Boys, she is quite hawt; how do you know her?" I look at him with a straight face and say, "Macha, she is your sister"

Now, coming to my other companion for the evening.He is the kind of friend who would help you at the drop of the hat but can't because he needs to help himself at the drop of the hat.His bowel movements, are at best, questionable and it seems that every known strain of organism which can cause food poisoning have caused food poisoning to my dear friend at some point in the past.

Besides food poisoning and bouts of chemical warfare ala gas, he is also somone who flaunts his plaque-ridden pearly whites at us at every possible moment.He also has a very repugnant habit of talking while his mouth is full.Some days, we end up with half his food on us while he rattles on about his life.I have heard of rumors that Keanu Reeves used my friend as his trainer for the gruelling scenes in the Matrix trilogy.

He still didn't get the hint.

Anyways, now that you have been privy to facts which you didn't want to know in the first place, I shall get back to my post.

Strolling around Colaba, we stopped in front of a shop which housed various pirated CD's.While me and squinty busied ourselves with the music section, Mr.Spray-it-all was giving furtive looks to the shopkeeper.The shopkeeper returned his look with a beatific smile; akin to the smile one flashes at a sacrificial goat.My friend, a little confident, walks up to the store owner and the following conversation ensued:

"Errr... do you have any interactive CD's?"(Spray, fucker, spray)
"Yes, yes, sir.Many CD's; all interactive; you want action game; try Halo,sir... it is very good"(Backs off a little; early monsoon?)
"Hmm... yes, yes... but I wanted to know if you have any..you know... those kind of interactive games"
"Yes, yes; we have these kind of interactive games and those kind of interactive games also.Tell me the name, sir"
"Hmm.. I don't know any names but you know,..err.. in these games the clothes come off as the game... err.. goes on"

The owner is rather alarmed at this stage and he backs off even more, thinking rightly that he has got a salivating pervert on his hands.

"No,no sir.... I don't have any games in which you have to take your clothes off to play"
"No,no... you didn't get...errrr... my point.I want.... Rohit, help me out naa?"

His.worst.mistake.ever.

I sauntered over towards my friend and asked him what he need help with.His whispered out something and I smiled, knowingly.
Squinty, by now, was staring wide-eyed at the various adult-themed CD's displayed brazenly at the shop

"Uncle, my friend... he is a very simple guy.He feels very shy to say it out loud that he wants a dirty CD from you"
"What the fuck" (Spray-it-all) (Squinty is down with laugther while being up with something else at the same time)
"Sir, what is this dirty CD?"
"We call it porn"
"Ohhh....pron.... arre baba, you should have said it before naa?" (looking at Spray-it-all)
"No, no...ermmm..."(Slightly cowed)
"Lot of pron I have" (stop saying pron; it's porn)
" I told you na, he is very shy; show him the CD's"(Rubbing in the salt)
"You want foreign sex or home sex?"(Foreign sex?Home sex?)
"No,no Uncle.... I guess what he wants it normal CD; not anything extraordinary like animal or anything.Right, xxxx?"
*Dark look; if looks could kill, his humiliation may not have been this complete*
"Chee,chee.... we have no animal sex, sir.Only home sex or english sex."(Repulsed)
*ohhh, home sex means local and foreign means, well, foreign*
"Your friend is not happy?He is leaving.... for him, I give him hard bargain; two CD's for the price of one"
"I'll ask him.... dude,wait up..."(Squinty was mocking my friend all the way as he ran off the street and was nearly run over by a car)

Ever since that day, Spray-it-all has never asked me to help him out again with anything that has to do with, ermm, as he put it so eloquently, interactive games.

So folks, this is how I screw my friends.I humiliate them in public and then further their humiliation in the print medium.

How I screw my female friends is another proposition altogether....

Drunk Dialling : Amitabh Bachchan

Thursday, March 03, 2005
Trring Trring

Click

Amitabh: Hullo? *slurred voice*

Me: Is this Amitabh Bachchan?

Amitabh: Yes, this is he.

Me: Are you sure?

Amitabh: Hahn baba, I'm Amitabh Bachchan. *irritated*

Me: Confident?

Amitabh: Yes but who the fuck are you?

Me: Lock kiya jaye?

Amitabh: Rohit, is that you?

*long pause*

Amitabh: Hullo, hullo?Rohit, is that you?

Me: Sahee jawab!! Is mukam tak pahoonch kar aapko kaisa mahsoos ho raha hai?

Amitabh: For cryin' out loud, it's 2:30 in the morning.You're drunk again, aren't you?These are the exact reasons for which I stopped talking to you.

Me: I thought it was because of the card.Remember that card?

Amitabh: Of course, you never give me an oppurtunity to forget about it.And what were you thinking when you sent me a card on Mother's Day with the caption saying "Mere pas Maa hai" ?

Me: I was thinking, "This is pretty funny"

Amitabh: It was funny alright; funny that I didn't kill you that day.

Me: Ohhhhh c'mon, where's your sense of humor now?Remeber the time when I had told Jaya aunty to play that prank on you?

Amitabh: Yes, I do.And quite frankly, it was quite disgusting.

Me: Jaya aunty and Abhishek didn't think so.

Amitabh: Abhishek knows about it?

Me: Of course, I told him about the prank and he relayed it to aunty.I thought you knew about it.

Amitabh: I'm shocked.And telling my wife to ask me in the middle of sex if I had taken polio drops wasn't funny.I didn't get it at first but when she started pointing and laughing.....

Me: *snort snort*

Amitabh: Laugh all you want, scumbag.Someday, I'll get even with you.

Me: Alright, alright... I'll stop this right here.I know that I'm drunk, but I have been thinking about old times.You know, before the Kabhie Kushi Kabhie Ghum fiasco.

Amitabh: Don't even get me started on it.

Me: *slurred voice* But didn't Karan (johar) practically....

Amitabh : Stop this right NOW.

Me: .....think of you as a Dad and then he makes a movie about "loving" your parents.I'm telling you; he was totally hitting on you...

Amitabh : That's my problem; now if you will, I have better things to do than be up all night and listen to you bicker.

Me: Well, stop stroking; that might solve the "be up all night" ka problem *snort snort*

Amitabh: You will never grow up, will you?

Me: The chances of me growing up are as bright as Jaya aunty growing up *chortles*

Amitabh: You are such an asshole, you know that...

(Click)

Womanese revisited; again

Tuesday, March 01, 2005
Bold is what she says; italics is how we should understand it ;)

It will hardly take me five minutes.
It's going to take me two hours or so but I won't tell you that.

You seem perky tonight
Is sex all you can think of?!?

So, what was the reason between you and your ex splitting up?
I want to know what's wrong with you.

Are you gay?
Why don't you like me?

Fine, do what you want.
You're gonna pay for that later, fucktards.

How much do you love me?
I screwed up; big-time.

Let's talk.
I want to talk.

Ohhh, it was a "girls night out" yesterday.
We made fun of you and your friends (just like all the other nights).

We need to understand each other better.
You need to argee with me more often.

I love frank and honest people.
I love people who tell me what I want to hear.

What do you think of this girl/these girls?
I need to know if I have competition.

So you have nothing to hide from me; no secrets?
What a bore!

I've hardly prepared for the wedding.
I need to do more to make the other girls jealous.

I'm not in the mood, honey.
You screwed up; big-time.

You are so mean.
I like that.

Why can't men be nice like you?
Why are you always nice?

References:
Womanese
Womanese revisted

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