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Insanely Inane Thoughts

If fate doesn't make you laugh, you just don't get the joke.

Dear Disgusting Train Traveller,

Wednesday, January 26, 2005
Are you suffering from a bout of temporary paralysis?

No?

Are you sure?

Okay, then stop staring at me. I never did fancy exopthalmic goitre to be a person's best trait ever.But you have changed my views on that completely.

First off, you are of the wrong sex to be staring at me.Secondly, you are just plain ugly.Does you wife always insist on putting a paper bag over you face while making love to you?Or does she like playing "Pretend-you-are-Brad-Pitt" kind of kinky games?

Ohh, the latter one is correct, eh?And you believed her every single time she did "it" with you?Well, then not only are you ugly, you are also downright stupid.

Ohh, don't cry now.Things will get better when you die.People in Hell are infintely more humane than we are.And think of the wonderful things you will get to do there.You will have the pleasure of boiling George Bush's testicles(tell me if he has any) and then you can get to play "Pretend-I'm-Brad-Pitt" kind of games with him.That might just about atone him for his sins.

Did I hear you right?You are feeling suicidal after having this little talk to me and you want to jump off this train?Well then, pick a nice spot and don't come under a train going the other way.It'll just inconvenience other passengers waiting for that train.

And I almost almost forgot my manners:

Have a nice day, douche bag.

Synapse

Sunday, January 23, 2005
It was on a rainy day, twenty years ago, that I made my way into this world.I was then as you are now :Carefree and blissfully unaware.

That day was the happiest day of my life.

Making way into the bitter cold world triggered of some events that have made my life, errr, a little uncomfortable.And since you,my dear friend, seem to be on the verge of the same blunder, I thought I might advise you a little before you think of your next course of action.

Coming out from the relative comforts of the womb into the butt-numbingly cold OT stunned the bejesus out of me.I was at a loss of words.I had hardly come to terms with my surroundings that all of a sudden I felt a stinging sensation spreading all over my backside.Apparently,.such was my shock that the doctor, who I sill think had a tendency towards aberrant sexual behavior, picked me up and started to spank my buttocks.With unabashed glee.And this unleashed a monster in me which still consumes me from the inside.

I was provoked to think.

And I specifically recall that my first thoughts were :How the fuck do I get this asshole of my back?Then I thought of such a plan that even the devious Stewie would have been proud of it.

I started to gurgle a bit.The doctor stopped at the noise and looked at me lovingly (This plain creeped me out.Afterall, if he was into aberrant sexual acts then I might be in some trouble).But such was my confidence in my plan that I looked back at him, inspite of the fact that all i could see from the pathetic slit of an eye I had then was hair.Lots of them.Ahhh, now things will get interesting.I eyed him like a python would eye a rat.Well, a sutured python at anycase.

I gurgled a little more, and to add to the cuteness factor, I flashed him the best toothless smile a red ball of flesh could.I think I saw him smile back and come towards me.

Aha, thought I.As he came closer, I lay still.He came closer still, smiling like a simpleton.When he was really close to my face( his breath could have been used to help Army recruits get used to obnoxious fumes), I reached out my little hand and grabbed at his nose hair.He yelped like a dog but I clung on resolutely.I tugged him closer(I was the Incredible Hulk for a few seconds) and then purged to my hearts content.

The I fell asleep conveniently.For a few years, I consiously thought of not thinking.It seemed to work for awhile but soon my imaginary friend got tired of my thinking and left me.

A few years thence, I relapsed.

It stared out rather innocously.I was out drinking with a few friends of mine and to escape from the sheer monotomy of vulgar jokes, I started thinking.It's a one-off thing, I told myself rather unconvincing.

Just like a dopie who screams out deleriously when on drugs, I begin to go into a tizzy at the mere prospect of thinking.Anyways, one thing led to another and soon it started getting out of hand.I started to think even when I was alone.This happened while I was in the loo not giving a shit.This scared the hell out of me because the process of shitting soon got engulfed in the shimmer of pseudointellectual activies.

As I had feared, thinking become primary to my nature.And this seriously hampered me in my studies.Studying and thinking can never go hand in hand.They tell you stuff and you just accept it.Or atleast that's what the average Joe used to do.But now, I started thinking about what I was studying.

Then I stopped talking to my friends.I avoided them like the Europeans avoided bubonic plague.That's because I was on firstname basis with Kafka,Rushie,Elliot and Wordsworth.Then I was seduced by the women.Austen,Woolf and Roy replaced shelves replete with Penthouse,Hustler and Playboy.

But I did have some real friends too.Like my girlfriend.Well, I had her till the day I stopped her midway through her blowjob to ask her "What is the meaning of life?"

I think she made me half jewish that day.

Through such times of adventure, my folks kept me company.One day, while I was in the midst of changing into my night clothes, they told me that they had been doing a little thinking of their own and told me, in no uncertain terms, that they wanted my sorry-ass out of their house.Pronto.I thought they were joking and started laughing.

I wasn't laughing when the police picked me up for mooning stray dogs in my underwear.

(Concluding part being thought of....)

Exam From Hell

Wednesday, January 19, 2005
As my University exams draw closer, I stumble upon this.Hope you enjoy this as much as I did.

Instructions

Read each question carefully. Answer all questions.
Time limit: 4 hours. Begin immediately.

History
Describe the history of the papacy from its origins to the present day, concentrating especially, but not exclusively, on its social, political, economic, religious, and philosophical impact on Europe, Asia, America, and Africa. Be brief, concise, and specific.

Medicine
You have been provided with a razor blade, a piece of gauze, and a bottle of Scotch. Remove your appendix. Do not suture until your work has been inspected. You have fifteen minutes.

Public Speaking
2,500 aborigines are storming the classroom. Calm Them. You may use any ancient language except Latin or Greek.

Biology
Create life. Estimate the differences in subsequent human culture if this form of life had developed 500 million years earlier, with special attention to its probable effect on the English parliamentary system. Prove your theses.

Music
Write a piano concerto. Orchestrate and perform it with flute and drum. You will find a piano under your seat.

Psychology
Based on your knowledge of their works, evaluate the emotional stability, degree of adjustment and repressed frustrations of each of the following: Alexander of Aphrodisias, Ramses II, Gregory of Nicea, Hammurabi. Support your evaluation with quotations from each man's work making appropriate references. It is not necessary to translate.

Sociology
Estimate the sociological problems which might accompany the end of the world. Construct an experiment to test your theory.

Epistemology
Take a position for or against truth. Prove the validity of your position.

Management Science
Define Management. Define Science. How do they relate? Why? Create a generalized algorithm to optimize all managerial decisions. Assuming an 1130 CPU supporting 50 terminals, each terminal to activate your algorithm; design the communications interface and all necessary control programs.

Literature
Write an epic of not less than 10,000 rhymed couplets on The Ascent of Man; do not use more than four different languages. Then write a critical essay explaining the intentional fallacy of your poem.

Engineering
The disassembled parts of a high-powered rifle have been placed in a box on your desk. You will also find an instruction manual, printed in Swahili. In ten minutes a hungry Bengal tiger will be admitted to the room. Take whatever action you feel appropriate. Be prepared to justify your decision.

Economics
Develop a realistic plan for refinancing the national debt. Trace the possible effects of your plan in the following areas: Cubism, The Donatist controversy, the wave theory of light. Outline a method for preventing these effects. Criticize this method from all possible points of view. Point out the deficiencies in your point of view as demonstrated in your answer to the last question.

Mathematics
Provide a counter example to Goldbach's Conjecture. Reconstruct Fermat's proof of Fermat's Theorem. Using the construction paper and Scotch tape found on the back of this exam, build a working model of a sphere which can be turned inside out without any folds.

Chemistry
Using the materials leftover in the box containing the rifle, along with the chemicals provided in the first aid kit, build an atomic bomb. This is to be used in the next question.

Political Science
There is a red telephone on the desk beside you. Start World War III. Report at length on its socio-political effects, if any.

Physics
Explain the nature of matter. Include in you answer an evaluation of the impact of the development of mathematics on science.

Philosophy
Sketch the development of human thought; estimate its significance. Compare with the development of any other kind of thought.

General Knowledge
Describe in detail. Be objective and specific.

Extra Credit
Define the universe. Give three examples.

If you finish before time is called, go back and check your work.

Why did the chciken cross the road - II

Tuesday, January 18, 2005
George Bush
We have reasons to believe that the chicken still retained the capability to cross the road.Even though the claim of the chicken crossing the road hasn't been substantiated, we know that it had the intent to cross the road.Hence, our action against the chicken was justified for the greater good of chickenhood.

Prince Harry
The chicken can cross the road... it's not like it's black or anything.

Jan Engleland
The levels of foreign aid which encourages the chicken to cross the road have been really low.

Michael Moore
The role of George Bush behind the chicken's motive hasn't come out yet, so wait for my new documentary called "Chicken-Bush 9-11"

Ariel Sharon
It's because of such chickens that we have been forced to build a wall along the border.

Joseph Stalin
I couldn't care less.Catch it, crack its eggs and make me my omelette.

Sphinx
You tell me.

Margaret Thatcher
It had no other alternative.

Oprah Winfrey
And now the chicken will share with us the traumatic incidents that provoked him to cross the road.

George Orwell
The chicken may have been thinking that he was crossing the road on his own free will, but he was actually serving the Government's interest.

Gregor Mendel
To get various strains of road.

O.J.Simpson
It did not.I was playing golf with the chicken at that time.

General Musharaff
The chicken was a freedom fighter and his crossing the road symbolizes the state of unrest Kashmir is in.

Jayalalitha
We have shocking proof on how the Shankaracharya abetted the chicken in crossing the road.

Zeno
To prove that a chicken could never cross the road.

Isaac Newton
For every chicken crossing the road, there is a hen walking towards the other side

Tony Blair
I still agree with George.

C'est la vie...

Sunday, January 16, 2005
Sorry for the lack of updates but things have been quite hectic over here.I've been going mad with submissions and presentations, being my final year in college and all I have to show a little respect in hopes of a good reco.If this doesn't work, the good ol' fashioned "bound and gag" routine should fetch me a reco of my liking.

Anyways, I'll try to revive my blog over the week.

God says,

Wednesday, January 05, 2005
Could you imagine the price of air if it were brought to you by another supplier?

What do I have to do to get your attention?
Get an ad in a paper?


I think you are the most beautiful person in the world.
Okay, so I'm biased.


When you're weary,feeling small.When tears are in your eyes,I'll dry them out - Simon and Garfunkel
Ditto - God


Please don't drink and drive, you aren't quite ready to meet me yet.

If you think Mona Lisa is stunning, you should look at my masterpiece.
In the mirror.


How could you possibly be a self-made man?
I specifically recall creating you.


Don't forget your umbrella, I may water my plants today.

I was thinking of making the world black and white, then I thought... naaah.

This series was run as advertisements to remind people of God in a light-heartered manner.And I think it worked.

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