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Insanely Inane Thoughts

If fate doesn't make you laugh, you just don't get the joke.

Let the good times roll.....

Wednesday, August 25, 2004
I stole a glance at her as she entered the classroom.I don't know why I did that.We had been good friends till yesterday.We still were.But somehow,somewhere, things had changed.

I tried to bury myself in my book.But I couldn't.The more I tried not to think of her,the more I thought of her.The more I tried to convince myself of a seeming infatuation,the more unconvincing it seemed.

The professor had started teaching.I looked on with my unseeing eyes as my mind painted colorful pictures of what things could be.I tried hard to fight off this feeling of uncertain bliss but failed miserably.Before the lecture was over,I was lost in the maze of a smitten mind.

Most of the day passed away in a haze.I appeared aloof ,which bothered my friends to no end as I usually was the chirpy one.Still,I managed to seem interested in what was going on even though I wasn't.

I was still in a haze when she approached me with a quizzical look on her face.She wanted to know if everything was alright with me.I replied with a casual yes but my heart screamed out something else.She didn't seem convinced but left the topic at that.As she turned to go back,her hair kissed against my face.I was engulfed in a smell so sweet that I feared that my insulin levels would shoot up.It was a fleeting moment but it seemed as if I lived a lifetime in that single moment.

Gathering my wits together,I set about wandering the college premises aimlessly.The earth was still fresh from the rain.Tiny drops of rain danced on the leaves as if to celebrate their existance.Somewhere closeby, a parakeet sang to her mate.Flowers blossomed, filling up the air with a pleasant smell of nectar.A slight breeze seemed to whisper sweet nothings to the swaying trees.Every thing around me seemed to take a new meaning and this made me so ebullient that it made me shudder..

I parked myself on a bench and contemplated on what I should do next.Should I let her know that things were no longer the same with us, that she had become a friend and much more, someone to whom I could confide my hopes and fears, someone with whom I could share my joy and sorrow.But what if the feelings were confined to myself ; will I be able to look upto her just as a friend knowing that what I wanted was more.

As these questions whizzed past my mind,my feelings swung from one extreme to another, from one of exuberance to one of palpable fear.

Somehow I managed to tame these thoughts and decided that it would be best if I let her know that everything wasn't alright with me.With us.

I looked around the campus in search of her.My anxiety mounted with every step,steps which seemed to go for an eternity.It was then that I chanced upon her.She was sitting all alone in the library.Bingo! What better time to tell than now.

As I inched closer towards her,blood rushed to my head.My heartbeat quickened to an alarming propotion and my charade of a sane person collapsed in spectacular fashion.I decided to leave and gather my composure but she spotted me before I could do so.With no other option left but to talk to her,I dragged myself towards her.

As I took my seat facing her,her face broke into that dazzling smile again.My defences breached,I retreated to my shell.Maybe later,I told myself.

But what she said next shattered my heart.

She had been asked out by someone else;someone on whom she had been quite keen on.And she had given a tentative yes.She told me that I was the first one to know about this and that she wanted it to be under wraps for the time-being.

I had looked at her rather blankly as she had said all of this ; but soon my face broke into a smile.I was happy; for her but my heart writhed in pain ; a pain that shall not die slowly.

As I left her at the library and headed towards the station,my mind was a quagmire of sorrow.Raindrops fell on me and broke into a thousand pieces ; each of them dying even as they lived.The last thing I heard before I got into the cab was a parakeet which seemed to cry for her unmoving mate.........

Hollywood Reloaded

Saturday, August 14, 2004
"Myyyyy preciousssssss.....", Gollum said as he looked lovingly at the ring.He was still dazed on how easily he got the ring from Frodo.He couldn't understand why Frodo ran after the white rabbit.

Crack.

Gollum stopped dead in his tracks.

"Who is there....", he mumbled.He clutched onto the ring as he devored it with his eyes.

"You think that is a ring you are staring at ,Gollum?".

Gollum glared at Morpheus, who was busy putting on his glares.

"Get away from me nasties!", Gollum snarled.

Morpheus looked at Gollum with such a lack of expression that it was an expression by itself.

"Tell me Gollum,is that a ring you are staring at?"

Gollum looked at Morpheus as if he was staring at Banquo's ghost.

"Don't ask Smeagol.Poor,poor Smeagol....me thinks it is a ring."

Morpheus started again : "Don't think it is...know it...'".Before he could finish his sentence,a Nazgul swept over Morpheus and swallowed him up in one go.

"Noooooooooooo........",Neo shouthed.

Trinity looked slightly relieved.She couldn't stand his philosphical ramblings anyways.

Neo ran like the wind and provoked the Nazgul

"Come on Sentinel...eat me up too.Or do you only eat androgynous men who spew their life's discontent at you.Huh...what's the matter with you,why do you look so zapped..and why are you staring the the sky,you dodo.Look at me.Now!"

Not being able to ellicit a reponse,he gazed skywards and almost crapped in his pants.

"What the...."

A fleet of alien spaceships was hurling towards them.

Neo looked around for the nearest phonebooth and spotted it.He put on his D&G glares and ran towards it.Trinity was already in it....tring...not anymore.

As Neo ran towards the booth,he could hear his glares talking to him : "This message will self-destruct in 10 seconds."

Not knowing what to make of it,he still ran towards the booth.As the phone rang once,his glares exploded and he wailed like a girl.

"My eyesssss......my eyes.......".

Somehow he got to the reciever and was zoomed back to the mothercraft.Now we know how he was actually blinded in the movie.

While all of this was happening,Agent M had already arrived on the scene.He looked at the spacecraft and talked to his phone : "Damnnnn it!We have a Code 11.I repeat,we have a Code 11.I will do my best to contain the situation over here while you guys haggle it out with the Bushwhackers as to why they have invaded Mordor.I thought we made it clear to them that these people do not have WMD's.All they have is orcs and olephants!"

Saying this,he flung his phone in frustration and walked towards Gollum and the Nazgul.

"Okay people.This is a demo as to how you can avoid constipation during an emergency crisis."

Gollum looked slightly nonplussed while the Nazgul stared on with interest.The fledgling he just ate was creating quite a ruckus in his stomach.

"I want you guys to look at the red light.And when I say squeeze,look at this light and try to crap."

Shouting out "Squeeze",he pressed the button.

*Flash*.

"Now all I have to do is alter their memories.I'll call over to the HQ and ask them to send me that talking donkey who fell in love with the dragon.That should take care of the Nazgul...."

What M didn't know was that the Nazgul was a male.Happy life,Eddie!

And M sort of liked Gollum and decided to make him his pet.

-------------------------------------------------------------------------

M.K.Shyamalan decided to make a movie.He wanted Bruce Willis to act in it.So he paid Bruce a visit.

Now Bruce was a rich man and he bought a big palatial bunglow.A few days after he had moved in,he made an unusual friend who had been living in the bunglow for scores of years.

After Shyamalan had been let into Bruce's house,he made himself comfortable.He was impressed by these spooky settings and decided that Bruce was the man.While he was thinking about this,he heard a noise behind him.

He turned around saying , "Bruce,I think you are the.......".

What greeted him was a sheet of extoplasm.And then the ectoplasm spoke, " Hi! My name is Casper and I would like to be friends with you."

As Bruce was coming down the stairs,he caught sight of Manoj who was running at breakneck speed screaming "I seeee dead people!! I see dead people!!!"

And he was never to be heard from again.




Excerpts from The Born Loser

Saturday, August 07, 2004
by Bor N. Luser

"When I was born ... the doctor came out to the waiting room and said to my father ... I'm very sorry. We did everything we could ... but he pulled through."

"I remember the time I was kidnaped and they sent back a piece of my finger to my father. He said he wanted more proof"

"I went to a freak show and they let me in for nothing."

"Once when I was lost ... I saw a policeman and asked him to help me find my parents. I said to him ... Do you think we'll ever find them ? He said ... I don't know kid ... there are so many places they can hide."

"I remember I was so depressed I was going to jump out a window on the tenth floor ... so they sent a priest up to talk to me. He said.. On your mark ... "

"Last week my tie caught on fire. Some guy tried to put it out with an ax!"

"I met the surgeon general. He offered me a cigarette!"

"A girl phoned me and said...Come on over there's nobody home. I went over ... Nobody was home!"

"I remember when I swallowed a bottle of sleeping pills. My doctor
told me to have a few drinks and get some rest."

"My psychiatrist told me I'm going crazy. I told him...If you don't
mind I'd like a second opinion...he said... Alright...you're ugly too!"

Bushspeak

"Our enemies are innovative and resourceful, and so are we," Bush said

"They never stop thinking about new ways to harm our country and our people, and neither do we."

Random Musings

Thursday, August 05, 2004
The first ray entered the stratosphere with the noble intention of warming up our cockles.What it didn't bargain for was the sudden emergence of a reflecting surface.As more rays entered our world ,they were rudely accosted by more of these receptors and sent back to their origin.The Sun ,who wasn't used to such impertinence, roared in anger and sent forth more of his missionaries.They were condemned to a similar fate.

However,the owners of these receptors were sweetly oblivious of the havoc that they were responsible for.The only immediate effect of their involvment was a mild river of sweat trickling down their foreheads.The owners,my dear friends, were none other than the hordes of bald devotees lining up the periphery of Tirupathi.Their heads shimmered in the glazing light and matched the dazzling brilliance that radiated from the holy sanctum sanctorum that held their beloved Lord.

I am not well-versed with the act of shearing with respect to the devotees.But what I would like to know is what the Lord would do with millions of keratinized,dandruff-laden hair follicles that He recieves with such adulation.While one ponders about this,another point begs for our attention.There are many temples in Tirupathi and there are many shops which dote around the temples like bees do to the flowers.Some of these shops seem to be selling,believe it or not,plaits of hair.And many of our "solar panelists" seem to indulge themselves with this luxury.The only thing that comes to my mind is : Strange are the ways of the Lord and stranger are the ways of his devotees.

Another aspect possible devotees should be aware if of the strange law that Tirupathi seems to impose onto others.

The moment your train halts at Tirupathi,you sight is assaulted by a sign which proclaims in splendor :Urination Prohibited.As you get off the train and start walking towards your hotel,more of these signs are hurled at you like mini-grenades.Your bladder ripples in admonishment but all you can do is hold back.No matter where you go,these signs come back to haunt you.While the senile authorities meant well,they should probably call upon their old and trusted friend : Wren and Martin.

Another footnote:

Whenever you order "Meals" at your hotel,make sure that you are looking at the waiter while he waits on you.Many have made the mistake of appraising the hotel and its surroundings while the waiter waits on you.While you are at it,you notice a benign-looking gentleman who is the proud owner of a pork belly.You wonder why this gentlemen and so many others eating at this hotel seem to be "marginally" overweight.

And then you look down upon your plate.

You shake your head.I must be hallucinating,you tell yourself.Then you look down again.A worried expression runs through your face.

Your plate(more of a banana leaf) seems to have enough rice to feed the whole of Somalia.Slowly it dawns upon you....now I know why there are so many "healthy" looking gents flanking me left,right and centre.

A wistful smile spreads across your face as you dig into your happy meal.

To end my post,I'll shall quote the inimitable Dave Barry:

People who want to share their religious views with you almost never want you to share yours with them

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