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Insanely Inane Thoughts

If fate doesn't make you laugh, you just don't get the joke.

The Call

Tuesday, June 29, 2004
The taxi pulled up near the subway.As I got out of the cab looking for some loose change,the cab driver eased it forward a few metres.My friend Anthongy was still stuck in the cab while Thomas had already leapt out.Anthony called out to Thomas and asked him for some change.While all of this was unfolding before me,some girls had just passed by.Thomas gave Anthony the change he required and told him "Bugger...while you shouted out "Thomas",the girls turned over to check me out.".I was pretty near these two clowns while all of this was being said.Not wanting to feel left out,I shouted out my own name.Then I looked around to see if any chicks tried to check me out.I turned around 360 degrees only to find out that the only person checking me out was a street peddler.I turned away pretty quickly to avoid giving out the wrong vibes only to find my two friends laughing out loudly.Muttering under my breath,I proceeded to further humiliate myself by publishing this blog....

Iraq Reliberated

Monday, June 28, 2004
A pleasant surprise lay in wait for Iraq.The US-UK axis of blunder has handed over Iraq to Iraq.The only people who will feel let down are the terrorists who would have made grand plans to announce the handover of Iraq with a blast(s).

May peace reign in a shattered and battered country.

Womanese

Sunday, June 27, 2004
Women.You love 'em or you love 'em.They always want to have the final say.But what they say isnt always what they mean.Quite often it is the other way around.It's almost as if they have evolved a new language of their own and it's just a co-incidence that it is in english.It's about time we broke their code.

For your reading pleasure, bold will be the woman.

I'm not looking for a relationship right now.

WHAT IT MEANS : I do want to have a relationship but not with you.So do not even bother trying to hit on me because a relationship between us is never going to happen.

I think of you as a brother/You remind me of my kid brother.

Sex with you would be like incest.

I do not think of you in "that" way.

My God you're ugly....get away from me or else I'll get a restraining order.

I enjoy being single.

I'd rather die as a spinster than go out with you.

I need more space/closure.

I have just realized what a dick you are.

Let's just be friends

You'll never see me naked!

We need to talk.

I need an emotional tampon right now.

I'm not that kind of a girl.

Keep trying.

We need....

I need.

Do you think I'm fat?

Tell me how hot I look.

Sure thing....I don't mind paying for myself.

Cheapo.

Honesty is very important for me.

Tell me what I want to hear.

I'm focusing on my career right now.

My studies maybe be boring but it sure beats hanging out with you.

No.

No.

Maybe.

No.

We have an off and on relationship.

I kept him around until someone BETTER shows up.

No.

Yes.



PS : I owe a lot of this to my SS friends.

One Love

The sunrays played tag with my curtains as it announced the arrival of a new day.Danielle had just woken up and lay beside me.Ahh Danille..... She has the prettiest eyes I have ever seen and the way she carries herself is so graceful that it is hard not to notice her the first time you lay eyes on her.She could have been with anyone but Providence loaded the dice in my favor.I could sense her loving gaze as she gave me an once over.She got closer towards me and rubbed gently on my chin with her nose.I gave her a hug and she responded with a lick.She then went on to give herself a nice good stretch followed by a good body shake.She nearly choked me with the amount of fur she shed with that body shake of hers.As I looked on,Daniellle bounded around the room in joy and anticipation.I guess I'll have to walk her sometime soon.So while I am away walking my dog...you guys enjoy your stay at my blog.And hope you guys have a rocking weekend!

PS : I do not have a dog named Danielle...

The post about nothing - Part II

Saturday, June 26, 2004
I lied.This post is about something.Something close,personal and touching.Hey..before you reach out for the Kleenex,I suggest you hear me out.This post is about something close,touching and personal.It's called an underwear.

I haven't gone nuts.My post pertains to the subject of underwears.Not in its direct form,but the way it is being marketed in some of the ads.It seems like most of these underwear ad-makers are a synapse away from being an idiot.It is one of the most easiest thing to market yet they make such a big fool of themselves that its laughable.

Before all you pro-underwear wearers lodge a FIR against me for making a mockery of such a serious issue,let me make my opinions about undies very clear:

1. It's good hygiene(even better with the bacteria proof jockeys we get nowadays...it's almost as if we dont have to wash it!).
2. Prevents you from zipping up your jeans with your member tucked away safely
3. Makes wrestling look cool.

So I am very much pro-jockey(sorry macha...but I do suffer from the dire consequences you keep harping about all day).Now that I have cleared up some things,lets get down to business.

Most of the ads I see on TV, pertaining to the subject of jockeys, ranges from moronic to moronic.There are very few ads which are in good taste(pardon my language...but do not take it literally).The ones which really stand out are the VIP ones....hands-free comfort.

Anyways,back to my spiteful post on these ads.Let me take your through some of the more infamous ones :

Brand 1 : TRY

The more recent brand to take heads on in the Indian market.Their ad is doing round these days and gets quite a lot of airtime.In their ad,we get to see some girls throwing a basket ball over the wall because there are some scantily clad,gay-like dudes sitting in their underwears.There are around 4 gilrs taking turns throwing the ball over the wall and shouting out "Ball please.".I heard that somewhere in Utopia,a scantily clad,unkempt obese dude tried this same trick on some girls playing basketball.The only difference is that the same guy was heard repeating "Bail please." to the local magistrate.

To clear up the ambiguity about the safety factor on trying out this ad in real life,the ad should come with a disclaimer : Try this only at home.And if you get your dirty little wanker in jail,do not blame it on us 'cause we warned you.

Rating on the moron meter : 9/10

Brand 2 : Euro frontline briefs.

One of the veteran briefs in this country.It's seen the ups and ups of the country with a great deal of courage.However their ad still sucks.

Imagine a guy wandering through , what seems to me like a mall , in search of a restroom to unload his pile of rubbish.After going through a lot of alleys he find stumbles upon a men's room.The only catch is that some devious females had covered up the "WO" of the "WOMEN'S sign hoping to snare a live one.But they had to settle for some rather desperate guy in need of a loo.I am sure that he would have been running to the stall shouting out "Hallelujah...".But I thought wrong.Our full-of-shit guy has enough time to take off his shirt and pant and wait on a couch to be assaulted by women.What the hell...! How the heck did he know that some chicks lay in wait for him.Or wait...since he thought it was a guy's room and removed his dress,maybe he was waiting for unsuspecting straight and gay men to launch an assault at.That would make sense.So when the chicks actually get to plant kisses on this guy,it was more of a sexual assualt(atleast for the guy's orientation) than a dance of pleasure.So that's what they mean by "Prepare to get assualted".What a load of tosh.....and they expect us to assualt their sales graph.

Rating on the moron meter : 25/10

Brand 3 : Unknown brand but one you must have seen

One of the less prominent ads seen on the TV.This one caters to the amnesiac "sophisticated" corporate hunchos.

Picture a dull and dreary day in Moscow.A lot pf pigeons and old women walking around beautifully carved road.Pan towards a silver colored limo which pulls up in front of the camera.A glimpse through the window of the limo hints towards a bespectacled gentleman reeking of money.For all its worth,his name may be Moneydir Rubleloschov.The chauffer , a smartly dressed fellow , gets out to let his master out.The door opens and our eyes are treated to a scrawny looking guy with an expensive coat and tie but no trousers.That's right..Mr.Moneydir likes to show off the other side of his wealth by wandering around in his black underwears.I am sure he made much of his money by scaring off his clients to sign the deal with the adventitious roots sprouting off the edges off his underwear.And that he walked down the aisle with a nice suit and brand new underwear.He might have insisted on a "proper" dress code for all the parties concerned.And then people wonder why priests turn out to be gay.

Anyways,coming back to the point.Here we have,Mr.Moneydir in all his glory.He gets up in the morning,takes a nice shower and prepares to go to work.Since he is Mr.Money,he must dress to kill.So he takes out the fanciest suit he has,a matching tie to go with his suit.He looks into the mirror and fixes his tie and gels his hair.And yet he forgets to put on his pants!Ohhh...don't give me bullshit about the underwear being so comfortable that you didnt realize that you didn't have your pants on.I feel so comfortable in my birthday suit that I forget I do not have my clothes on.But you do not find me wandering down the hallowed halls of St.Xaviers advertising my inclusion to the Vedantic Nudist Colony, do you?

And that his chauffer let him humiliate himself in front of his peers.Ohh...he forgot to give him his monthly wages.No wonder on his blunder.While all of this unfolds before my eyes,my mind wishes for one thing and one thing alone : Enough of Glasnost and Perestroika,shoot that bugger down and parade him in front of his underwear provider.That should teach them a lesson.We care about comfort but not at the expense of you thrusting your privates into my unseeing eyes.

Rating on the moron meter : The meter cracked.

Now that we have come to the end of my rant on the unglorious conquests of the ad world,I shall await for your responses.Till then...ciao

The Post About Nothing

Friday, June 25, 2004
This post is going to be about...well,as you must have read the title,....nothing.I repeat the title in the first line , not because it's important to emphasise on this point, but because it means nothing to the rest of the post.

I have to get up early in the morning.Even earlier than most birds do.No,it's not because I want to get the early bird's worm.But because I do not have an option.My college begins at 8 in the morning.And I get up by 5.Leave by 6:30.Reach by 7:30.Pee at 7:31.And then do nothing for the other 29 minutes.

I usually travel by the train.On second thoughts,I travel always by train.The other mode of travel is the bus.But bus kya,it takes so much time reaching college that the train seems to be the better of the two vices.

The trains I travel by is nothing like the empty trains one can find abroad.They are morbidly overcrowded at even 6:30 in the morning.Most middle-class Indians are not obese.And most of these most middle-class folks travel by the train or the bus.Not that our public transport is running a mobile gym in their bogeys of sweat.It just happens that one need not exercise one bit for the day they travel by trains or buses(most preferrably during peak hours).People jostle each other for space.If I invade my neighbors space by 1 mm,they get antsy.By the time I encroach their space by a further 5 mm,I find my ears being treated to the most colorful words I could ever imagine.I bide my time and then start re-encroachment.I am not that lucky this time around.My neighbors tuck their elbows into my ribs and give glaring looks which makes Ambrish Puri look like a comedian.While I nurse my bruised and battered body,others trample over my feet unintentionally and shove their stinking armpits into my nose.Even the mujahideens do not have such rigorous torture training in their induction manual.I forgot to mention that the locals like to oil their hair.It's good practise.But when the level of the water in the Tulsi dam goes below the level of oil in the my fellow train traveller's hair,it gets slightly sticky.Most often that not,it's the short local who oils his hair.So I have my olfactory nerves being treated to some of the most sensuous fragrance after fried shit.I act rather nonchalant about this entire affair.But soon my alarm begins to grow.Now Mr.Better-smelling-that-fried-shit has started scratching his butt.I can overlook that matter.I scratch my butt too.But given the position that I am in(5 mm within spanking distance),whenever he reaches for this rather large posterior,he rubs against my groin.Sometimes it hurts.It hurts even more when he confuses my crotch for his butt.I smile beningly at him and remind him that he tend to his side of the garden while I look after my hose.

Stations come and go.But the sea of humanity in the train seems to swell by the minute.I have managed to snake my way towards the door.This way I get to keep my crotch and enjoy acts of encraochment and reproachment from the dress-circle.While I was at it,Mr.Better-smelling-that-fried-shit has managed to get beside me.Now that I have my butt facing the the steel of the train,I feel relaxed.I avoid looking at him as he continues with his adventures with down-under.The crowd starts thinning as the final station appraoches.But Mr.Better-smelling-that-fried-shit seems to be like one of the commuters getting off at my stop.As my stop approaches,I take one final look at my tormentor.He seems to be enjoy taking digs at his nose.I look away saddened at the plight of my temprary fiend.He seems to be an object of abject ridicule rather than one to be feared from.

The train slows down as my station arrives.I get down and start walking towards the exit.I have to brace myself for the misadventure that my life seems to be.

(To be continued......if my readers respond well).

Ephemeral

Sunday, June 20, 2004
Picture this.

I'm sitting where I am right now doing what I am right now(browsing the net..damn you perverts!).Suddenly I get mail.Blissfully ignorant of how my life was going to change(over the internet),I ignored the mail for a few minutes.Finally boredom hit me at the crotch and I decided to take a look.The first few lines seemed promising....
"XXXXX invites you to create a Gmail account...."

I leaped out of chair shouting out not-so-good words.Khushi ke gaali.Finally,all the lying,begging and stealing worked.Someone took pity on my poor soul and invited me to make a gmail account.1GB of storage space!I wondered what mails I would have to get to fill it up completely.As I was wondering about that,my alterego took over.

"Hmmm...why waste time thinking about that now.Send out a quick mail to everyone you know and everyone you wanted to know but never knew a mail saying that you got gmail.Its natural for one to gloat about stuff like this."

I wanted to shout out..."Geek!It's the internet and not the end of the world.It's not like I was giving out specifics on where to find the Philosopher's stone." Oops,forget I ever said anything about that.

Anyways ,after wrestling with my alterego for a few seconds , I sent out a quick mail to Tom,Dick and Harry along with mails to Julia,Gloria and Mary.

Hehe.Miserable prats,I thought to myself.

The I decided to check out some news at rediff.Nothing of import...wait..whats that.Rediffmail offers 1Gb of storage space.Holy fucktarts!How did these buggers get on level terms with Goggle.Anyways,my alterego decided to take off for a long vacation.My head shrunk to the size of a peanut.

I checked back on my gmail account to see if anybody had replied as of yet.I did the same for three days.Nope.No mail to bring back my alterego for a gloat fest.It's just me now.So suffer my rants in silence.And please comment on my posts.It's hard to pst comments on my own post.

PS: It's ironic that I chose to listen to "Main aisa kyon hoon" while I slugged out on this post.

The word is Lakshya

Lakshya.The goal of a film-maker is to express his feelings in a manner which entertains people.And thats where Farhan excels.

The movie starts off at Leh.Picturesque locales are showcased with aplomb.Introductions are taken care of and personalities hinted at.Once all of this has been established,its time for the flashback.

Hrithik(Karan Shergill) is shown as a cool dude who cannot think beyond 6 hours.Typical beta of a rich baap.Baap re baap(Boman) thinks of his son as an useless fellow with no goal(must be the genes).So thoda bashan ho jaaye.Zinta(Romilla) plays the love angle.Not the typical sweet ladki with kadki.A girl who speaks her mind(protest march and what not!).Turns out Amma dear(Lillete Dubey) was quite a lady in her younger years and had a lot of one night stands at the police station.Besides that,Amma has no role.

Hrithik has dostlog with the same attitude as his.One of his friend decides to join the army.After some grey cells have been exhausted,Karan decides to join the army too(heavily influenced by the scene he sees of Arnold in Predator...).He talks to dost who chickens out of the army deal.Hrithik responds "arre main Army mein akhele kya karunga?".Guffaw!!What a laugh riot.

The scenes of him at the IMA,Doon are quite good.Funny as hell.Beta decides Army is not for him.So he takes flight and reaches home.Dad and girlfriend are disgusted with him.So he returns back to the IMA.Goofy turns serious.Soon he gaduates with top honors from the IMA.

While this wasa happening,Zinta becomes a news anchor and is engaged to some dude.Hrithik returns home(on leave) and finds out about the engagement.Alas, it seems like the Gods are conspiring against him.His leave is cancelled and he has to report to base.(Kagil intrusion).

The second half of the movie is quite rivetting bar the climax (cliched).The action sequences are well shot with not too much of gore.Just a single scene of a dead soldier being taken to a hospital says a lot about how uncertain it really is for our jawans.The outburst of a soldier at Zinta when she asks to no-one at particular as to why there is war when all we want is peace(aman and shanti) is poignant.

Throughtout the movie,the enemy isnt shown in black and white.Just blurry figures and voices.Patriotism without being jingoistic.Some Army humor thrown in for good measure.

The last 20 minutes or so is pathbreaking.Stunts like these havent been seen yet on the silver screen(for a bollywood flick).It is quite similar to MI2 but exception nonetheless.These 20 minutes are worth the 100 odd rupees you fork out for the ticket.

Performances.
Hrithik : Carries the movie on his shoulders.An excellent follow-up to Koi mil gaya.He is here to stay!

Preity : Spunky character.Does well with the limited scope that the role had.More footage in the 1st half than in the 2nd.

Big B : Good enough!

Om Puri : Has some good lines for his short role.

Boman : Plays the grumpy bit with elan.

Farhan : The word is excellent.

Shanker/Ehsan/Loy : Some hummable tunes.Background score while the war is on is great!

Chris Popp(Cinematographer) : Does more than enough to give the audience a taste of Leh.

To sum it up:

I found myself(very happy) after 3 hours and at 300 feet above MSL.I have a feeling you might too.

Reflections

Saturday, June 19, 2004
I just checked back on this site.Yes,checked back.

Initially i was typing in insanelyinane.blogspot.com.Imagine my horror when I was politely told by IE that this page doesnt exist.I was at my wit's end.But I had bookmarked it.So now I know what bookmarks are useful for.

Anyways,it seems like I missed out a n in my naming of the blog.They say practise makes perfect.I guess i must have practised making mistakes often because I seem to be perfect at it.

My stomach rumbles...not that its empty.I'll see you all on Monday.

Taking the first step

Thursday, June 17, 2004
Here goes nothing.Other than some more blogspot space that is.

I am a third year student doing my B.S.Over here,this means I am in my final year.So all I hear is how serious this year is and how serious I should get.People think I am not serious enough for a serious year in college.I do not know why they get this impression.It's not like I am mimicking everything word they say.Maybe a little but no funny noises.Okay, everytime they make such procalmations, I do shout out "Thats what you think..." followed by dum dum dee dum.

But in all seriousness,I try to be as serious as Sirius can be.Thats why I tell people to call me an Animagus.They don't get it.

Hmmm...seems like I lost my train of thought.They never run on time anyways.

Coming back to my inane rumblings,I was in college today.It wasn't too hectic considering the fact that it was the first week.The only thing of importance that was to happen was to get my railway concession.I have been trying to get it for the last two days, but providence seems to have been plotting against me.The day before today,the tokens were over.And yesterday,there were no concession forms for the Western railways.

Today was going to be different.Not only did they have tokens , they also had the concession form.But we get the token today.In lieu of a form that we give to them.They file away the form in some God-forsaken place.I believe this gives them the climax that they miss while having sex.

So here I was , standing in the line waiting for my turn.The line was growing at the same rate at which the tokens were disappearing.Finally, it was my turn.

"Good morning Ma'am." (Hands over the form)

"Hello." (Scrutinizes the form for rookie mistakes)

On finding no mistakes with the form,she hands it back to me stating that my handwriting wasn't upto the mark.

Blimey!I thought I was filling up the form for the sake of filling up the form.I never knew that these forms were up for awards under the handwriting competition that the Railways conduct every once in 99 years.

I trudged back to the table on which the forms were kept.Filled it up again.In the same vein as before.Got back in line.Turn approaches.No pleasantries.Just stares and curses.Form accepted.Token given.Come back tomorrow and collect your concession.

Having negotiated Sun-Tzu,I decided that it was a time to celebrate.

I went down to the canteen and ate something rather forgettable.I would mention specifics but I forgot what I ate.Anwyays, having nothing much to do,I decided to head back home.

Got back home and a Gmail invite beckons me.Ahhhhh ladyluck smiles on me.Made my gmail account.Sent out a quick note to my buddies on my alternate address while bloating about its 1 Gb capacity.Checked for responses.Some bigot had my account down for some sleazy porn sites.Come on, if you want to spam me...atleast make it worthwhile for the spamee.

And then I decided to make this blog.Just to get a lot of things of my chest.I may not be as coherent as many others on blowspot.com , but i shall make my best efforts to blow till people applaud.


He's coming in

Well, this is it.

I have finally succumbed to the temptress that the internet is.While you read this, I might as well as clean up this sticky mess.



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