Insanely Inane Thoughts

June 2060: We have even lost Andaman now. Our Army, led by the Head Chef, had no answers to the expert stick-wielding tactics used by the Jarowa tribes. It was the turn of the SBC (Strangely Backward Classes) to lead the Army and he was the only representative of that class in the Army. Our Army, it is heard, threw potatoes and artichokes at the aggressive Jarowa tribesmen. The Jarowa tribes are now inching their way towards Backwardluru.

June 2060: I was browsing through the newspaper of the ARC (Anal Retentive Class) and read an article about how popular the ARC Idol is. There were a record number of entries (5) this year and the finalist, an eighty-year old man, won the contest by 3 votes after his opponent misplaced his dentures. The idol, elated by the news, had a heart attack and passed away.

July 2060: There was a beauty pageant for the MRC (Most Regressive Class). All the contestants were clad in a burkha.

July 2060: Record numbers of students, most from HFFC (Hugely Forward Forward Class) and SBHFFC (Slightly Backward HFFC) have now joined universities in Somalia and even the madrassas of North-West Frontier Province. Said the Dean of an IIM – J (Jaunpur), ‘With the arrival of reservations for the FCBCMBC (Forward Class of the Backward Class of the Most Backward Class), there will be less number of seats for the MBFCMBC (Most Backward of the Forward Class of the Moderately Backward Class) and the SFMBMFC (Slightly Forward of the Moderately Backward of the Most Forward Class). The class diversity has also taken a hit. The IIMs no longer have any English-speaking graduates or faculties in classes and even the CAT has to printed in regional dialects.’

August 2060: Today was Independence Day. Children were taken to the Infosys Museum to educate them about their oppressive past. It is said that only MC (Meritorious Class) had ever made it into Infosys before it went bankrupt.

August 2060: The Stock Market went past 100! Most of the push came from the FIIs based in Ghana, Mali and Hawaii. I’m now a hazaarpati.

September 2060: The budget was announced. Almost 50% of the budget was allocated to the Army for upgrading pistols, electric darts and poison-tipped arrows. Fleets of fishermen boat have been inducted into the Navy. After defeats Pakistan, China, Tibet, Maldives, Burma, Bhutan and Nepal, we needed this to ward off the Jarowa Tribes.

December 2060: Sorry for the delay but I was in the hospital. I was learning typing in Braille. I had to be operated for my tonsillitis but the doctor, the same Unscheduled Caste Quota guy who has sawn off my leg, performed a cataract instead.

From an email I got:

An excerpt from Emcee's diary exactly 50 years from now:

Ahmedabad, 30 April 2056: I attended the bash at the IIM-OBC Alumni Association to celebrate the fiftieth anniversary of the reservation of seats for OBCs (Other Backward Castes) in IIMs. Since I'm not an OBC, I was not supposed to attend, but at present, we MBFCs (Moderately Backward Forward Castes) together with the Non-Scheduled Tribes have a political alliance with the OBCs. We sipped champagne and talked about how so many of us had progressed from reserved seats in the IIMs to reserved jobs to reserved promotions. Unfortunately, the party broke up when a Non-scheduled Tribes faculty member objected to the OBCs dancing with all the pretty girls — he wanted equal opportunities for every caste at each dance. I pointed out that the Non-scheduled Tribes had exceeded the quota of champagne reserved for them. The party ended in a pitched caste battle.

1) May 2056: Today, I became president of the IIM Board of Directors. Under the present rotating presidency system, a member of each caste is made the president by turn. When it was the turn of the MBFCs for president, they had to choose me because I'm the only MBFC on the campus. True, I'm only the campus dhobi, but then every caste must be given an equal opportunity. All those centuries of oppression by the OSBFCs (Only Slightly Backward Forward Castes) and the OFCs (Other Forward Castes) must be rectified. I hope to restore the high standards at IIM — I overheard some foreigners calling it the Indian Institute of Morons, the other day.

2) May 2056: They've announced the cricket team for the series against Australia. I was overjoyed when they chose an MBFC man as captain. But my hopes were dashed when I realized he was a Most Backward Forward Caste and not a Moderately Backward Forward Caste. The selection committee lamented that it was gross discrimination that no member from the Jarowa tribe (the Stone Age tribe in the Andaman) had ever found a place in the Indian cricket team. A squad has since been dispatched to the Andamans to capture a Jarowa tribal to play in the national team. I hope he will improve their performance — they had an innings defeat against the Maldives recently. I would have played myself except for the fact that I lost a leg some years ago when I was in hospital with a toothache and a doctor recruited through the Unscheduled Caste quota extracted my leg instead of my tooth.

3) May 2056: There are too many NFCs (Neo-Forward castes) in the IT business. Under the terms of the Business Reservation Act, their firms will now be taken over by the other castes. I hope they will be able to restore the Indian IT industry back to its former glory. For some unfathomable reason, it has gone down the drain after job reservations were implemented. I went for a movie featuring star actor Mungeri Ram. He may lack teeth, be four-feet-three and have hair growing out of his nose, but this year it's the turn of the EBC-RYs (Extremely Backward Caste-Rural Yokels) to be stars and Mungeri Ram is the best of the lot. I wonder why foreign movies have become so popular.

4) May 2056: A truly great day. We now have an OFBMBC (Other Forward But Moderately Backward Caste) general as the Head of the Armed Forces. I hope he'll be able to win back the territory we lost ever since reservations were implemented in the Army. Since then, the north has been taken by Pakistan, the North-east by China, the east by Bangladesh and the south by Sri Lanka and the Maldives. Only last winter, we lost the war against Bhutan and free India is now limited to the western coastal states. But I'm sure the OFBMBC general will turn the tide.

5) May 2056: My wife and I have been blessed with a bonny daughter. Since my wife's an SBBNSBC (Slightly Backward But Not So Backward Caste), my daughter will be an MBFC-SBBNSBC. I must lobby for reservation for her caste. She's the only member and I'm sure she has a great future.